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because i see a need to
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
my life now. is in a random havoc state. as much as im doing alright, i am not. too much contradictions in my life now. i have a life, just that it is a working life. i dont exactly hate working life. but. but. but. my stress level fluctuate like mad. one week i can be fine, another week not. the workload increases exponentially. at a very steep gradient. but thats ok, really thats ok. if i can handle. at the end of the day, i miss the people around me. you, you, you and you...
renew. || 11:56 PM
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SCREAM.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
i finally. finally. finally have my own internet connection. F I N A L L Y. its been too long.
renew. || 12:39 AM
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ilostafriend
Sunday, April 24, 2011
where did i go wrong. i lost a friend. if it takes just a step to walk the wrong way, congrats tanhuiqi, you just did.
renew. || 10:15 PM
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when the sun goes down at the end of the day.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
i seek to believe that we are actually humans and we are doing things that are considered humane. things such as leaving without saying bye. But sometimes, they return. 9 Apr has been the most awesome sunday this year. in the same day, i had a good lunch, a good climb, a good dinner and a good gaming session. all the good put together made that an awesomeful day. the possible only sad part is that the goodness of it makes everything else stand out like a sore thumb. or maybe sore thumbs since they are in plural form. it is more of a norm. yesterday was more of a rare chance occurence, much much treasured. every single cell in me was smiling at the end of the day. It does not bother me even if I appeared stupid as for the first time in a long long time I genuinely felt happy. This particular emotion eluded me since a while back and did not want to return to me. Hence, this time, after this eventual return, I wish it will stay. Just like humans, emotions, they leave just like that. TURN AND GO. --- On a separate note, there is somebody who kept appearing in my mind these few days. Not supposed to I know. Just a random comment, you dont have to take me too seriously on that account. --- "Seeking to redress that justice. " & "Bravery is being able to face your own fear" Try harder.
renew. || 10:50 PM
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youhavenoidea
Sunday, April 03, 2011
haha. just suddenly felt like adding some noise to this page. actually i do miss writing. writing informally i mean. too much formal writing kills creativity. work is no good. but yeah thats work. nobody says work's gonna be a breeze. everything else is as boring as a boring storybook. other than the random dinners which can only happen at 8pm due to my erratic work hours. hhaha ok this post is not meant to be a ranting post. well, but not too much emotions lately for me to write in a emo~ manner. still very much hooked onto CSI:NY. :)) its a boring sunday. but i have shit load of work to do by this weekend. and im in deep shit cos i didnt lay a finger on the work yesterday and im going out today. on a side not, many many are away. in different parts of the world. slight envy i have there but i couldnt care that much cos i cant get my butt out of singapore. at least not anytime soon. i wish, and so i wish i can be anywhere but hereeeee. i have no idea what more random things i wanna write. so lets keep it, till then! :)) ps: april is a crazy month. too many birthdays~!
renew. || 12:02 PM
dinomilo
just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. :))
renew. || 12:00 AM
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not that i know of
Saturday, March 26, 2011
we did not establish the fact that we shared some exclusive memories. because, before i had the chance to do so, you left. and its been a long long while since i last saw you. i have no reason to wonder if i matter to you, because i strongly believe that it does not matter a fair bit anymore. but, today, for a long time, i missed you. how i wish its mutual.
renew. || 11:37 PM
softspot.
i used to like you alot. but i cant anymore.
renew. || 2:30 AM
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last chance
Friday, March 11, 2011
i never had chance to stay up at this late in the middle of the night almost never since 6 months ago. but it seems like tonight i refuse to sleep as i hear the raindrops pitter patter outside. it calms me, albeit slightly.
renew. || 3:19 AM
screwed.
.i.want.to.sit.down.and.cry. iforgothowitfeelsliketocrywithnoreservations.
renew. || 2:55 AM
if you have some time to spare
no, i am not good. not good at all.
renew. || 2:42 AM
in between a rock and a hard place.
its weird. how things always have to hit the pit bottom before i have time to come roaring and whining here. work was bad. disclaimer would be that im at no point in time angry at anyone for anything but rather frustrated at myself for failing to meet expectations. im constantly letting fear get to the better side of me - as much as i do not want to. in a way, im constantly trying to show that i am capable, yet at the same time the incapability choose to sneak out on its own accord. not exactly a good day, nowhere near "alright". but things did not take a turn for good. instead it took a plunge. like i ask out loud, "ifyouhavetoputmethroughthistoseehowmuchcanitake, i concede defeat". seriously, does it please you to put us in this position over and over again, to face the same place, conquer the same fear and to let history repeats entirely? we're freaking tired, please. just when we thought things gonna turn a little smoother, you choose to rattle and create chaos. you know, people have limit? when they reach the limit they are unreasonable. you know when they go beyond the limit, things get out of hand. dont justify yourself by saying you wanna push that limit. cause, all you are pushing is your luck.
renew. || 2:27 AM
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the tipped scale.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
the brain's a little overworked. the heart's a little overweight.
i think im missing you a little over the edge.
renew. || 11:28 PM
if in doubt, press "0"
dont pretend that nobody cares. cause you know thats not true. you load yourself with all the uncertainty. how are you sure that thats where you'll be ultimately.
renew. || 11:27 PM
dont resist the wave.
there are times i felt like giving up. not cause i dont want to go on. more of cause i did not know how to.
but at the same time, i want myself to keep going. dont set my heart on impossibility.
with greater responsiblity comes heavier workload. we all know that. its about balancing and coping. im sure you will do fine.
you need to up your portfolio. its a need. unless you really wanna leave.
renew. || 9:20 PM
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howhaveyoubeen.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
i know, its been super long ago since i last updated. yes that was a few months ago. which means to say that was LAST YEAR.
so much have happened cross year. this entire period is a bit tiring. a little too tiring to take.
things have stepped up steeply. so much so that, for the past two weeks, im feeling very suffocated. tired and totally drained. at one point in time, i actually wonder, why is it that everytime im under stress i'd feel totally lousy. could it be that i cant handle stress? or is it that my tenacity is not great enough. in any case, im fully stretched these few weeks. the sudden steepening of my learning curve caught me off guard, albeit forewarned. i need more encouraging words before i break down, i need more space before i feel stifled. i need more. but im trying, trying my best to cope. to not show too much. apparently, im not very successful at the last point. a few times, i think i revealed a tad too much emotions (though much much lesser than before). at least, im glad that i have supporting colleagues.
the only happy thing out of these few weeks is that - I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MY OWN DRIVE! not the car itself, but the ability. that put me in a very happy position. no doubt, its a little disappointing that it had to take me 3 times to do it, the sense of achievement this time was great. simply due to the bad weather and good tester. its not just a pass. to me, i passed with flying colors and compliment. thats what matters. so thank you.
one of the TANS left for Denmark and wont be back about 5 mths later. and im beginning to miss him already, even though i dont really see him when he's here. velkhoo is away for a longer period of 7 mths at Seattle. Andre's all over the world. Andy's leaving for melb soon when his vacation end and it seems like he wont be back till he graduate or maybe even later. that would be another 2 yrs down the road. everyone's not around.
2011 hello. please treat me better. thank you.
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for the umpteenth time.
Monday, December 27, 2010
i'll miss you. over & over again.
renew. || 12:05 AM
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cheers&loves.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
 no i havent forget. its 26/12. :) 8 years. nice. almost 1/3 of my life thankyouthankyouthankyou. this year you are a mrs. but to me you're still r2. :) :) :)
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theonlyconstant.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
its been a long and super slow november. didnt anticipate its arrival and now that its gone, im glad. this is the first time in many years that i have to declare aloud that i.do.not.like.november. weird. but its indeed a taxing month. for the entire month, physical and mental capacity have been stretched to the max however it kept me going just right. im sure a tinge more will tilt the balance.
too much has happened. in this time span of 1 mth. much change has occured.
and no longer the me. except that im living in the same shell of tanhuiqi.
renew. || 12:27 AM
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somepeoplejustaskforthesakeofasking
Monday, November 22, 2010
「兩杯中的熱拿鐵。」 『好的，請問拿鐵是要熱的還是冰的?』 「……」 是要逼我說出冰的熱拿鐵嗎? -spyorange.
renew. || 11:11 AM
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nammyohorengaykyo.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
you watched me grow old and now i want to watch you grow old.
I may need you more than I think I do.
and this time, its for a longer period of time, and for a more significant matter.
actually all i need is... to believe.
renew. || 11:50 PM
If you'd agree, I'm sure you'd.
Its really not that i disappeared into thin air.
Its just that i dont know how to leave my trace anymore.
This November is not gonna be a good November.
Not anymore.
Even though i always insists that November is a helluva good month
But not this month.
It doesnt matter what cause its lousiness
We cant say for sure.
If we sincerely believe that something is gonna turn for the better
Will it then turn for the better?
Life hasnt been too kind.
Or could it be that you are being too hard on yourself?
"november is here again but you are not and like warm pumpkin pie, the changing of leaves, the brink of winter around the corner, thanksgiving and other things i eagerly await for to come back during this time of year, i, too, wait for you to join in line.. but you don’t, you never do and like a ghost set in my bones, i can still feel you living inside me, even if i can’t see you, even if i haven’t heard from you in a long time.. because the memory of you still goes on and on and on, running alongside these veins deep within this heart that refuses to ever let it fade." - 52 hearts.
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3 pairs of men and 2 pairs of women
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
after so many years, this is the first time i came so close to going through what you like. and i actually enjoyed it.
but i failed myself this time. not exactly a failure per se but the disappointment did thrust itself deep within.
but no worries, this is just one of the many many times that such thoughts penetrate and make its entry.
through this, i somehow remember you although i hadnt forget a bit, remembering was a different issue.
renew. || 11:13 PM
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disappointmentatitslargest.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I'm so tired. So tired that all i want to do is to fall back and sleep. Essentially yes i can do that.
i'm so hungry. so hungry that i dont wanna eat anything. cos i cant decide what do i want to fill my stomach with.
"i want you so much more than you think i do"
--- Im sorry vel & darryn for i gave both of you a scare on thurs night.
Im sorry terr for pangsehing friday dinn.
Im sorry hy for not seeing your msg till it was too late for supper.
renew. || 12:59 AM
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whatdoesitfeellike.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
does it please you to see me fail? does it please you to see me pale?
first time in my life did i step up to a cinema counter, purchase a ticket and walk right into the theatre and sit through a 140min show by myself. all at the last minute, realising that the show is at 3:45 when it was 3:40 when i checked. its an awesome show. the kind of feel its good at its best and feel its bad at its worst kind of show.
first time in my life did i take my keys and walked right out through that door, with nothing but a no batt phone. sat by the basketball court watched a few groups came and left and sat by the playground watched kids run about. for a full 2 hours.
one of the many times in my life that i felt angry. at them for not thinking from me. true its not big deal. but its not a laughing matter. at least not for me. one of the many times in my life did i know what is it like to feel like i freaking did my best yet failed like mad. and i somehow knew.
cause i just kept myself breathing and breathing. for fear that i forget how to.
c'mon la. you can do better than this.
renew. || 11:46 PM
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"tentententen.."
Monday, October 11, 2010
well wishes for you (x 2) here that came a bit late:
to my dearest r2, wanna say congratulations for being a mrs! you've waited for this day to come and finally, you're happily married. im truly happy for you, for you've overcome all odds these years, cherishing your happiness and all to reach this next stage of your life. now, i wish you eternal bliss with your mister, while you walk alongside with your love, i wish that you be good and well forever. to you, this happy mrs :)
to my mahjong zimo kaki, you've said you were surprised i noticed. haha, but ive been silently following. smiling at all your excitement that you let loose through the words and pictures. im sorry that i may not be able to turn up for the wedding dinner itself but i'll deliver my blessings all the way to where you all where you stand side by side with your eternal happiness.
renew. || 11:11 PM
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nobodynobodybutyou.
Friday, October 08, 2010
in a bid to love somebody you dont suffocate the other party. breathing is essential.
renew. || 11:21 PM
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youwerenevermycompetitor.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
i didnt use to like running. i reinstate my stand that im not a runner, as my running speed was never the best among the teammates. but i felt a little worth in my runs now. at least i feel a little more worthy than what i felt back in my old school days. i still prefer to be moving, then sticking my butt on the chair in the office. even if i dont excel and come in first i feel the adrenaline rush to run my best and do my fastest. when i pace her, i felt happy. i dont need to be fast to feel good. thats what i want. i may not be the fastest but i win my own race - me against myself.
officially the chapalang sports girl. im doing it all for my own sake - to remain sane before work kills me, till my last drop of blood remain.
dontgivemewhatididnotaskfor.
thank you for the dinner. thank you for sharing. i hope i dont end up on your black list. but you are really one lucky dude. though i wouldnt dare to do anything on that list you said. but appreciated.
i feel disappointed about me feeling sore about being pulled out without consent. although we all know its for a greater good but shouldnt you give me deserved credit. its not nice at all to be informed at the last moment that you are not needed. redundant. as it is always.
renew. || 10:39 PM
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youhavenoidea.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
status of the battered body:
head throbbing pain. abdominal cramps. left ankle sprain. right thigh muscle strain. a very confused brain and a thoroughly worn out heart.
&ifyouwouldallow, pleasegivemesomecreditformyability.
renew. || 12:02 AM
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ihateithatyoudothistome
Saturday, October 02, 2010
dontbesoselfish. itisasimportanttomeasitisasimportanttoyou. sopleasedontmagnifyyourworries foritdoesnotjustifyanything otherthanyourunreasonableactionsandwords. ifyouareangry soami. sowhatmakesyouangrierthaniam. ifhedoesntwanttostudythensobeit. dontgoaroundworryingeverybodyelse thinkingthatnoassumingthateverybodyelse shouldbearresponsbilityforit. wth.
renew. || 12:53 PM
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ijustwantyoutoheal
Thursday, September 30, 2010
its not nice, not nice at all to not be able to perform what you are more comfortable with. it saddens me much.
renew. || 1:58 PM
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dunchlike.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
i hate my dream last night. hate having to wake up with a pounding heart. i heard the heart racing so fast in the dream and out of dream. the context was real. i saw real people. i saw people i know and am close to. a lot of screaming going on to usher them through the door hurriedly. the frantic attempt to lock the door before the mad woman come to take him away. to avoid him like a plague just cause he hurts me. and when i woke up it was wayy past the ideal time. mad rush for work.
renew. || 11:50 AM
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emesoltnowuoy
Friday, September 24, 2010
some people can easily declare "i miss you" but i dont know how to. how do i get those words out.
i miss you.
the words seem so unreal. its so hard. clattered with emotions, every single alphabet strives to make itself heard but as a whole the three words resonate so loud that it shatters- any possibility of them being real.
but did you hear me?
renew. || 12:17 AM
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ifyouhangthewordsloosely,cuthosestringsinstead.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
i want some minions. for they can read you when you dont have to say anything and they deliver promises at all cost. humans cant do that. humans cant understand another human and humans cant deliver words as promised.
if you ever promised to be there then be there. dont disappear.
renew. || 11:15 PM
itsnotajokeforitsnotfunny.
i randomly went around to see, and saw something which i dont want to see. fb, the evil. although not a confirmation, i still think its enough to confirm. just saying.
renew. || 11:07 PM
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遇见了你 :)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
i wanna remember every single detail of the concert last night. from the super fast dinner to the super big bowl of yoghurt that we almost gorged ourselves to death. to the amazing seats to the amazing view. and every single note of his crooning. to the very last moment where he bowed and the lights were up again.
how we were both uber excited from the change of seats. i was practically beaming for i have ALWAYS wanted that set of seats, envying those who always managed to get those seats while i have to clamber my way up the long stairs. but not yesterday, we were told upstairs were closed and we were redirected to the set of seats that garnered good views though we auntily scampered to those seats after being told that they are free seating. HAHA! then we settled down after scouting for the perfect pair of seats (PERFECT ENOUGH FOR ME) and we saw that there were clappers. so both of us managed to inflated one pair keeping the other pair for keepsake! haha but velkhoothelousy deflated one of the pair half an hour through the show and we're left with only one arm of the pair. oh wells. i had my hands busy with the camera though. haha. and velkhoothelousy was getting so excited before that hitting both clappers together to ignite the flash inside the clappers that she hit the guy who was sitting infront of us on the head. like WTH! hahahah i couldnt stop laughing after that. the other self entertain moment was when i spotted an actor in the crowd and he was like walking down the aisle stairs beside me, so i was telling vel to quickly snap a photo of him! but velkhoothelousy was too slow! haha and then since she got the camera i asked her to zoom in to where he was sitting at least could get a shot of him, BUT she zoomed in and lost the focus. OMG. the next thing he sat down in the midst of crowd. HAHA! and we were getting all excited as the lights dimmed and he appeared onstage. and i was getting all excited and started spamming her tweets with random comments. tweeting all the chinese songs titles so that i wouldnt forget the songs he sang.
much canto songs and speech, dabbed with excerpts of smooth sounding english and hongkong-accented chinese. guest appearance by TANYACHUA.even though their interaction is a little awkward but there is none of it when they both sang the song together. afterwhich was much complains from him about not wanting to hear the males scream his name and his declaration that he only likes females. and the inner him likes males and bugs and insects too. haha. when everything ended, we left the stadium satisfied. very much. i wouldnt say its the best concert that ive been to, in terms of atmosphere and all, and the subtitles are lacking big time, and that i couldnt understand almost 3/4 of what he was blabbering but i did enjoy myself thoroughly as i found myself smiling at the stage almost all the time.
and vel got a call from william to abandon me. well not exactly totally.
we acted like drunk kids singing at the top of our voices as we walked from esplanade mrt to esplanade. gosh, its a deceit alright. cos its super far. promenade station is much nearer. i was complaning the whole way, while she was having a hard time controlling her bladder. haha. yet we went up the DNA HELIX BRIDGE impromptu-ly for both of us had not gone up before. much talks about how we'd break up if we finish walking to the other side of the bridge, but we did not finish it eventually. haha.
then i was left stranded at esplanade busstop. so angry that i dont even wanna talk about it. weird things that people do! so i text vel to come back save me after calvin picked her up at raffles hotel. and so i took a ride from calvin, listening and laughing at calvin's witty comments and his different kind of humour. and seeing him and william again after so many years. haha. abduction is singapore is nothing, and so they say. everything was worth it, even though i ended up on the other side of the island, and taking a cab home all the way to where im due to be.
to a ugly end. but still.
not your typical boy & girl next door
[pics shall come later - need time to sieve and upload]
the men of the night:
eason.
calvin.
william.
---
and the woman velkhoo & helping her do live updates realtime :)
renew. || 3:07 AM
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遗失的美好
Sunday, September 12, 2010
 Q Bear says thank you
:)
for qii is okay, better than she was a few days ago.
:)
she will be fine in days to come
:)
hanging on to the strength that was given to her from PLAN A, PLAN B, PLAN C..
:)
renew. || 11:29 PM
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you left me crawling on my own; bawling on the phone
Saturday, September 11, 2010
i drank a little last night. i know i did it on purpose. to drink and ask for more. at the same time i do not worry for i know my limit. though i came out tipsy i wasnt due to the drinking but due to the empty stomach before the drink itself. i could still walk. i could still talk. and most importantly i am very sober. and its not about drowning sorrows.
at one moment, i wanted to top the glass. but the next moment, i stopped the pouring. its only through laughing and singing that i can stop tears from flowing. i wanted to walk home, but in the state that i was in, i thought i had better not. i sang as though i had not done so in ages (but in real fact i had not done so in a while). i dont know how to control my emotions so all i can do is to keep drinking and singing. i forgot what did i sing afterall. i only hear myself screaming a little tearing down the heart walls and rebuilding them at the same time.
the earlier part of the day was a nightmare and i had to keep the tears in so that i wouldnt mess up the makeup and scare my colleagues. the later part of the day was a drama for i was just going a little wild and rowdy trying to keep up my usual level of highness.
gotten a lift from bear. at the lift lobby i bumped into a man, and from that moment i ran home straight.
msn chat with domodyng was left hanging for i was falling in and out of sleep and the lapse was 30 minutes each time. im sorry and i think i said some random nonsensical stuffs.
needed to talk badly for at the moment in time i was torn. torn apart and frantically trying to repair. urgent need to talk coupled with urgent need to be alone. its not confused mind. its the heart's intention to keep itself busy.
but in the end, the alcohol in me knocked me unconscious. while the tears fell of its own accord.
renew. || 1:23 AM
the list could go on forever.
tonight i miss a lot of people.
but in the end,
i didnt find any one of them.
cos i didnt know how to.
and i cant find the courage to.
what should i say.
what can i do.
have not yet figured those out
hence,
inaction.
but you are missed - just in case you dont know.
and at the same time,
我就不相信我会笨到 忘不了赖着不放掉.
how are you?
-----
this has got to end somewhere, somehow.
renew. || 1:17 AM
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givemeabreak :(
Thursday, September 09, 2010
WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME. JIU RANG WO LI NI YUAN YUAN. ZHE CHANG YOU XI WO SHU DE WU TI TOU DI. RANG WO CONG CI WANG LE NI. ---- THE PROBLEM IS - WHY TODAY?! OF ALL DAYS, WHY TODAY?!
renew. || 11:15 AM
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are you free?
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
finally i blew my top. have never been this angry for so long. i don;t know is it the stress or is it the pain or is it the irritability or is it just him.
but im dreading thurs alot. alot. alot.
keep me occupied tomorrow night. you're the first that comes to mind. but you're the last that i'm gonna find.
renew. || 11:12 PM
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will you free me?
Saturday, September 04, 2010
its been a while, since i was able to laugh till i want to cry. at one particular i wanted to cry, when i was laughing till i tear. at that moment i felt happy and sad at the same time. happy that i still have them, sad that im not happy without them.
the influx of emotions came at the earlier part of the day when an awful truth was confirmed. i was certain that a small part of me felt a little lost as to where im heading. so i kind of only had to tell myself that i can only keep walking straight ahead.
so last night, i laughed my hardest since a long time ago. trying to take in all the happy moments as though hoping it would last till the next time we meet.
i have many thoughts about this issue. and when one particular came, i was surprised at its entry. and lately, ive been feeling a little low due to various issues, things that i cannot handle. and irritated at my inability to cope, both yours and mine.
and im already dreading the coming week.
suddenly, i need to chill very much.
renew. || 9:22 PM
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in all coincidence.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
还是原来那个我 不过撂掉几公升泪所以变瘦 对着镜子我承诺 迟早我会换这张脸应对笑容 不算什么 爱错就爱错 早点认错 早一点解脱 我寂寞寂寞就好 这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱 就让我一个人去痛到 受不了伤到快疯掉
死不了就还好我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到 忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的 借来的都该还掉
我总会把你戒掉还是原来那个你 是我自己做梦你又改变什么 再多的爱也没用 每个人有每个人的业障因果 会有什么 什么都没有 早点看破 才看的见以后
renew. || 12:35 AM
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it was not the case back then;
Sunday, August 29, 2010
i used to think that the word "insubordination", or rather even "subordination", is a word only used in dramas. later somehow when the word appeared in my life, and for a moment im baffled in the circumstances. its a term which meaning i have yet to grasp, hence much confusion. so cold and unfamiliar, the word seem to bug me quite a bit, and i may take a lifetime to figure out where is the fine line - between compliance and defiance.
renew. || 1:14 AM
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likesardinespackedinacan
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
shall write a little about work.
generally everything's quite fine. really. and to some extent i am finding it fun (MINUS away all the technical hiccups and system cockups - yuhui, i think i beginning to get a little of ur techy badluck). maybe the bad parts will all kick in later, since its only like the 2nd day of work.
just alot of briefing and learning about functioning now. much like on course like that. just that my buddies have to do a lot of guiding and thus eat alot into their time for their own work. everyday is just a little more info and learning the ropes. havent really got down to work proper, which i believe is why the pressure is not kicking in yet.
but to take part in meeting and all, makes me see things on a new level. for a moment i really surprised at the difference between work and school life. my sup asked me.."got culture shock not?", and i replied no. in actual fact i quite enjoy this change. to sit in for meetings and to hear the ongoings activities and to see the projects pending, approved and rejected together with new cases. and to bring your laptop everywhere for meeting and finally like what we always see on teevee how those people would go in and out of discussion rooms for meetings. but im a little afraid of presentation in days to come, but im glad that the div is kinda informal, such that people can talk on like less official terms.
the part where i gained access to more private stuff gives me a feeling that im gaining control of my situation as well. but at the same time, i know im facing increasing workload and challenge, which im prepping myself for. its a half happy half grim situation that im getting myself into.
but i would like to declare - i hate the morning eastbound train, lunch crowd and the evening westbound train. other than that, its a new start that im embracing.
and a piece of good news - CONGRATULATIONS MISS NG R2~! :) :) :) happyforyou~! finally!
thank you girls for the random night. imisseddpnsalot. although alot of ramblings from work, hope it didnt bore tuan or the other two. chocolate was awesome. the company is even better :) the clock strikes 1. and im off to bed. goodnight world.
and you never for once asked, not that i am waiting, but i was thinking at least you can.
renew. || 12:23 AM
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babyistillbelieve
Sunday, August 22, 2010
"cause its seems like you'll be always there but you never are.."
i never got the words out.
"hmm okk" was all i could muster.
renew. || 3:39 PM
when the theatre darkens.
such a huge contrast. An empty cinema theatre vs a fullhouse cinema theatre. at the same time slot.
but thank you, for you made me reignite my love for movies again. albeit at $10 per tix. albeit knowing things might be unpleasant between us.
its show time~!
renew. || 3:18 AM
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everyone has a story
Saturday, August 21, 2010
a full empty movie theatre. only us. first time ever.
everyone has heard the same story, just told in different perspective.
renew. || 2:02 AM
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痛不痛快有所谓
Friday, August 20, 2010
有沒有愛沒所謂 快不快樂有所謂
renew. || 12:59 AM
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i close my eyes and pray.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
im so scared that i cannot sleep. if i can scold alot of things i would have done it, so that every word can bring out my fear. im sorry but i cant help it.
i need somebody by me at this moment so much, in order for me to stay sane and to tell me nothing's gonna happen. i dont dare to sleep and wake up to bad news. i dont dare to sleep. i dont dare to wake up. i dont dare to face her. i dont dare to face them.
i hate that setting. i hate that setting. i hate that setting. when i say it 3 times i mean it. cant you just freaking give me a break from that place?! EVERY YEAR I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER. FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?! dammit.
thank you girl for being with me whole day, for i badly needed somebody even though i may not say, that i dont want to be alone any minute and that work took my mind off some stuff. and that i dont want to see anybody whom may start to ask or remind. thank you very much. for you are the only one who knows. thank you.
either way, i dont want to know.
you would be fine. you would be alright. dont let my tears fall.
renew. || 1:52 AM
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if you would allow
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
what im afraid of is that you wont even give me a chance or wont even give yourself a chance.
renew. || 2:40 AM
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themasquerade
Monday, August 16, 2010
not the easiest way neither the hardest. just have to take it in whichever it be. strut in your heels smile in your make up be the girl whom you arent exactly as long as you set yourself free.
renew. || 12:29 AM
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fire on target.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
dammit. dont do this to me. and i always have to be the one who hears it first hand, and then delivers the message to the others. it doesnt get better upon repetition. it doesnt get easier to narrate its only gets worse as you lock in the information.
renew. || 2:47 AM
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on the loop
Friday, August 13, 2010
你总爱编织谎言 我负责配合表演 所有改变 只为了进入你的世界 这情节 重复了一百遍 才发现 是你的心太远
你划定楚河汉界 我不敢轻易犯规 所有时间 都是先给了你优先权 不自觉 爱到不敢冒险 成了你的傀儡一年两年 才看见我有多狼狈
爱到妥协 到头来还是无解 绑着你 不让你飞 历史不断重演 我好累 爱到妥协 也无法将故事再重写 你已下最后通牒 我躲在我的世界
你只是害怕一个人睡 我不想在为你掉泪 我了解 不会再仍在徘徊 开始自己的明天
renew. || 4:14 AM
where did the patien(ce) go?
there was so much uncertainty that i chose to leave, thats how i am. when i dont like the situation, i pull myself out of it to the best of my ability without having to feel that im not involved at all. there was no room for me to prove to myself that i can actually do it, for i have no confidence in handling the situation at all. so i took the easy way out. i didnt choose to fight, i flight it out.
i didnt give up our friendship, i just need to breathe. and you dont know how much i hate being part of a triangle, i really rather be in a circle or a rectangle.
renew. || 3:24 AM
and the reason is
seriously, i should thank my lucky stars to have a friend like you, who really think i am not the worst on earth. knowing how irritating i can be, you insist that i hang an out with you when im down. thank you for putting me in place behind you as someone who wants iphone alot, and since you already have it and if you really do get it then, you gonna give it to me (unconditionally) - that doesnt mean i would accept. thanks for your (re)assurance that i am attractive in my own way and on the other hand if i go in and if i ever fail the relationship i would die horribly. thank you for all your acknowledgements that tanhuiqi has her "huiqireasons" which she would insist on having and abiding. thank you for bringing me to that place which i yearn to visit since eons ago, but couldnt step in cos of much inconvenience. thank you for being you. anytime for coffee, tea, lunch, dinner or supper as long as im willing to, thats how far you are willing to go for a friend. thank you for your non judgemental state whenever you're with me, for i do not appreciate that. to retreat is your way of caring and concerning as you said, fearing that undue pressure will backfire. you never fail to make me feel how inadequate i am next to you for i lose out so much - sincerity, the heart, the concern and the depth of giving. "she should never reflect on her own" - you.
i officially declare i hate outram park area. for i always have trouble finding my bearings when im in that area. but i saw the nicest sunset today. like i said "at this time of the day, the sky is at its prettiest" and you agreed.  and today i finally told you the reason - that you already have a girlfriend.
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wedidntcareformuch
Thursday, August 12, 2010
had to write this day for i am amazed at my ability to sit and wait for somebody to do her hair for HOURS. haha. ~4.5hours.
haha and i was blessed to have an ipodtouch to play with for erm, that 4.5hours - sushichopping and angrybirding and doodlejumping! and she was blessed to have a somebody sit there and accompany her for that long wait too right? right! haha.
and we talked non stop the whole day. i mean more of like SHE talking most of the time, and i listened (cos sometimes i was on the ipodtouch playing her game). but still, we're amazing to be able to carry on talking for hours. haha.
and plans to meet at 10am FAILED tremendously. and im sorry that we only met at 1230pm! haha.
but all was worth it for a good day out, and a good dinner, and random spurts of conversation and alot of talks on relationships and people.
the shuuemura guy is nice and chirpy and nice. and i didnt know 'satchets' is pronounced the way it was supposed to be pronounced. all 22 years till now, and im sure im not the only one!
thank you for the dinner treat! and for the company!
tempted for a good haircut. but not now. a nice colour and nice cut will do me wonder.
anyway girl, i love your hair. in case i didnt emphasize enough. the straight part and the colour. woots (:
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imsupposedtobeoveryou by now.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
not quite the case. you do a better job than i do. -
 when the stars are shining bright from the sky, is it meant to because i realised that you never even try.
renew. || 1:26 AM
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hear the pitter patter loves
Sunday, August 08, 2010
 i love how the rain drops down from the sky, while it takes away all the unhappiness, it brings many loves :)
renew. || 11:05 PM
cooped up in a chinese room.
an empty street an empty house a hole inside my heart.
renew. || 2:12 AM
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unriddle.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
you know where to find me.
renew. || 3:27 AM
没了，才知道什么叫没了。
"The shock of this movie lies not in the buildings but rather in each person’s heart."
Aftershock -- An aftershock is a smaller earthquake that occurs after a previous large earthquake in the same area (the main shock). If an aftershock is larger than the main shock, the aftershock is redesignated as the main shock and the original main shock is redesignated as a foreshock. - source: wikipedia
This time, the aftershock occurred in my heart. Much tearing through the show but in the end, I was more disturbed after I left the theatres than looking at those scenes of pain. The buildings gave way, folded into half just like how it happened in the dreams in Inception, but of a different nature. The bodies left hanging on poles and by the edges of buildings. Under the debris, we are faced with a tough decision. Decided to amputate because she cant afford to put other's life at risk but in the end, she was so heartbroken that her daughter lost her leg. She witnessed all that, only to find forgiveness at that moment in time.
1976. 240,000. 23 seconds, 32 years. the numbers aren't enough.
How can we ever set ourselves in one location when everyone else moved on? In hoping that somebody might come back just looking for you in the old place. sounds very much like "the man who cant be moved" song. but its different. pining for a return, is a hell lot of pain. But the waiting continues.
I kept asking myself, what would my decision be? (and i wanted to ask her) "两个都得救!" but what if really have to choose 1? dammit. i really dont know. the heart ached when she kneeled down and apologised. the heart ached when she cried. the heart ached when he scolded her. the heart ached when she apologised profusely. the heart ached throughout.
The tears flowed freely and the heart is ruptured.
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claiming to be a scorpion girl.
Friday, August 06, 2010
 i hope we all don't fall prey to the "oh i wish weekend will come faster AND sunday wont end!" mode. but somehow i think we will. start complaining about MONDAY blues. entering dog eat dog world is our next step.
im not sure about it at all. seriously.
but as much as we are uncertain about set sailing, we know we cant stay put in the harbour for long. too much too much stuff at stake. even before we set sail, there are too many components to consider before we navigate? why so troublesome. then how how can we ever move away when the waves dont carry us?
we talked about hiding emotions today. the difference in suppressing them and slowing them down. i know which i belong to. but its not enough just knowing. and i learnt not only to hide emotions, i learnt i can do the same about presence as well.
"whats your game plan?" this question got stucked in my head since morning. the slogan we see on MRT train banners recently. and how i got reminded of one movie that i watched. so inevitably, i had a substantial amount of thoughts about it. but what was your game plan? why did you do what you did? and what was my game plan? why did i do what i did? if we werent in the plan, then how did the game start? but you declared game over.
first time i rewatched a movie, though its a worth it watch. and i realised only on a second time are you able to see things on a clearer note, things you didnt see previously and of course, things you wish you didnt see this time round. applies for all cases. magnification of an issue doesnt help at times. only serves to complicate. but when things are clearer, you eliminate alot of doubts, they are the things that cloud judgments.
ps: i love the wasabi prawn crackers today :)
renew. || 2:27 AM
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in small denominations
Thursday, August 05, 2010
one step at a time, its not too hard. its just a little tiring, but you do fine.
it doesnt take much to realise that you're losing your smile and that you dont hang your heart on your sleeves anymore.
if you start losing interest in everything anything, perhaps for your own sake, dont lose yourself.
renew. || 1:11 AM
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the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
i dont like this morning's dream. it feels weird waking up from it. it's not something scary or what. on the contrary, i dreamt that one of us got attached. and i saw who is the guy. but it's just a weird feeling that stays within me since this morning. i saw the big green field and a whole string of us wanting to fly (paying to fly), the kind that we have to form a chain if we want to. and in the end, they both got together. and the setting was in a big and expensive hotel (cos its all golden), and there were lifts that goes up and down. and because i woke up with a quesy feeling, i dont like the dream (not that i have many good ones for me to like anyway).
as the rain poured relentlessly throughout the day, excerpts of the dream kept coming to invade. but that apart, i adore the rain (minus all the wetness & the possible accounts of floods it can bring).
im not a person who likes to do countdown. dont really fancy that feeling of available days decreasing as time goes by. but this time, i feel like in my subconscious mind, im doing subtle deduction of weeks or days that i have on hands, half for myself and half not.
it feels weird. it's been a week. and i have a burning question within, dying to ask. yet i cant bring myself to question.
renew. || 1:21 AM
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想你就写信
Sunday, July 25, 2010
so much for being alive.
renew. || 5:17 PM
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simplycauseyou'retoonice.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i thank you, for you put me in the best spot whenever you can. travel half the island just for me, and one full span back. i know i can never be half as nice as you are to me, but i sincerely do appreciate whatever that was done. thanks for putting half your body out for me every time, but what matters to me most is you believing in my potential, and in your words, is the potential to excel. i wish i can rise up to expectation, not his, not mine, but in particular - yours. for i don't wish to fail that bit of confidence you have in me, which i cant even find a trace within myself. a big part of me wish this can proceed smoothly, but another big part of me is a little stifled by the pressure.
even though after telling you the truth, you said that they are separate issues, but the contrast sometimes works too huge for me to bear, so much so that i choose to avoid sometimes.
forgive me if i can't meet your expectations, though you would not tell me if i don't. but many times i wish i could give a little more than i did.
distance is what i'm keeping. but appreciation is what i'm holding too. "the least i can do for a friend" - i think its the most that a friend can do already.
renew. || 3:17 AM
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if we were to look back;
Sunday, July 18, 2010
love this picture (:
renew. || 7:59 PM
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dreamwithinadream
Friday, July 16, 2010
halfway through the show, i felt weird. really weird. simply cause i can relate to it very much. the fact that it goes round having talk about dreams and subconscious. and the thing myself having dreams daily for the past few years - nightmares to be exact. its a dream cause there's no beginning.
i woke up this morning from a dream, a dream that is very broken, and throughout the whole day i was trying very hard to piece the dream together. following the plot, i was trying my very best not to lose myself, nor the plot. many times it was quite tough as the words hit me quite hard. though some parts seemed matrixy - due to the lack of gravity (literally and figuratively), the rest was real (or was it not?). that is the beauty of it. what is real and what is not?
totem to fix that? a little incredible. talking about it having to inject the balance which we (solely our own selves) can do to find the reality in life. if we gonna extrapolate that into our off screen lives, we'd be able to draw parallel with that.
you need a great amount of stability to not dash your dreams, collapse or even to destablize it. you need architects, chemists to construct the best reality but most important of all, i would think you need best deceivers.
at one point in time, i had a crazy idea that we are all roped into the world of Chris Nolan.
splendid show. though it reminds me of "shutter island" very much.
"The mind is like an iceberg, it floats with one-seventh of its bulk above water."
- Sigman Freud
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;for i cant gauge my speed.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I either scared the worst out of my instructor or pissed the most out of him during driving lessons. I'm sure.
"车要慢慢手要快快! 大小姐转快一点!"
renew. || 2:22 AM
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just a mediocre student.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
12th july 2010. the day that we all donned the super heavy academic dress and put on the super heavy academic dress, bearing the memories of past 4 years. the day i can finally mark out declaring i end my academic life.
---
4 years ago, she was choosing between NUS FASS and NTU NBS. it was a tough choice at that point in time, cos it was a dilemma between practicality and interest. then she finally decide that numbers are out of her league. hence she started this journey with all the psych modules and LTs and tutorials and most importantly psych friends.
all along a mediocre student, her grades fell as she grew older. since primary school, she has got a downward gradient for her grades, and ultimately 16 years later, she graduated with a 3rdclasshonors. not the most ideal definitely, but that's what she earned myself after 4 years of studying/slacking.
she has many to thank along this long long journey. people who helped in many many different ways, most importantly she think is to listen to her whine about how stressed she was here and there, and seeing her break down a few times cause of her inability to take the load / pressure. others encouraged her greatly along the way so much so that she finds it easier to continue to finish up what she was supposed to do. so many times she thought she couldn't move on, but they were there to root her on, helping her revise what seem to be alien topics to her, especially those science mods (aka breadths mods). the teachers helped her a great deal too. even though she has her 'list' of favourite lecturers/tutors, everyone sort of helped her achieved her current results. with a bad habit of favouritism, she tend not to work as hard for mods with lecturers that she doesn't fancy. knowing that that is detrimental to her grades, she can't help but function this way, as they are unable to hold her interest in that mod. however, on the brighter side, there are some who are splendid in terms of their teaching method as well as how they made her felt her merit at some point in time. NUS a place that she called school for 4 years, and today, she declare herself no longer part of it, but one small piece in history.
---
on the occupation column, what should i fill in now? - student/unemployed?
i thank you. really. so much so much for helping me reached the end. for now, im exhausted from studying. whilst some chooses to continue their schooling prospects, i decide i have enough for now.
tanhuiqi 毕业了! (:
renew. || 1:49 AM
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"NothingIWillBeAfraid"
Sunday, July 11, 2010
when i hear them croon, or rather - her, i felt at peace. even though the music was blasting through the night, even the whole hall was bubbling with people jumping around, i was at peace - with myself at least.
maybe i wouldnt have done it anytime, but that night, i sang my heartiest and loudest regardless of the guy sitting right in front of me, or the group sitting right behind, i was singing out loud, as though i was hoping she can hear me, and hoping that i can hear myself too.
even though im alone, i enjoyed myself. im alone, but im not alone. if you get what i mean.   so for that, i enjoyed myself and i thank them. and her for her guest appearance, which made me felt super gandong.    
他走了带不走你的天堂 风干后会留下彩虹泪光 他走了你可以把梦留下 总会有个地方等待爱飞翔
 Fairyland In Reality ~ 090710
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sorrythatyou'vetobeinbetween.
Friday, July 09, 2010
its getting harder and harder over the days. and i dread it more and more as it intensify. it always have to reach to this stage, where i would then rahh out to some body who happens to be at the end of the speech bubble. i never learn, do i? i tried, know? like i told her, people come and go. then let them come and go. you hold for what? come one la. leave it la. you can do better than this. but what happens when its someone you wish that will stay, and on the other hand, also start wishing that you'll get out of the stupid situation?
"fiery" is not the word, "impatience" "intolerance" is what perpetuates.
renew. || 1:57 AM
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on a second thought,
Friday, July 02, 2010
maybe not. we'll just see what happens. BLEAH.
renew. || 1:02 AM
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crosses finger and toes.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
i hope it will work. for some reason,
i wish to get it this time.
but for now,
let's hope they dont think im playing hard to get.
renew. || 11:22 PM
byeyou.
thank you you.
for i found myself while i lost you.
so hey there me! :)
renew. || 12:59 AM
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不会假装不在乎
Sunday, June 27, 2010
决定了。 不求你。 因为没有必要。 不懂你好在哪里。 再见。
。
有没有发现句点其实是绕了一圈？
renew. || 3:46 AM
thoughitrytoresistbeingtheLASTonyourlist.
i know every "last" that i said is not the last. but please believe me when i say i try to make it the last.
just that every "last" works as a building stone for me to reach the ultimate end.
renew. || 3:26 AM
nevermindthebrokenwings.
can you feel both good and bad about your actions at one point in time?
i took everything and crushed them. for i begin to feel tired. so i refuse to compromise. pushing for an answer, explaining along the way. and at the end of the day, i get slapped in the face, for you do not understand a bit at all.
but im feeling good about it cause i dont have to hinge decisions on you anymore. but im feeling bad about it cause i dont like to end things sore.
i want to say goodbye. but you dont give me a chance to, you turned to fly.
im sure one day, just one day, you wont be able to find me. and you wouldnt even realise so, so that i can be free.
renew. || 3:18 AM
dont. done.
i thought i was wrong. BUT. I'm wrong about thinking i was wrong. its the kind of instance, that you set a bomb ticking, and simply just wait for it to explode. and when it does finally explode, you cant even find your parts.
when i set them both side by side, watching one follow by the other, choosing to insist how much wrong i had in my previous choice to believe in you.
tanhuiqi, love yourself more, will you. you really dont have to apologize if you dont think you are in the wrong, although its a different matter altogether. self destruction - thats about what you are doing now. and then, no amount of beers and soccer games will save you.
以前说的不是这种以后, 因为以前根本没说过以后。
renew. || 3:08 AM
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in moderation or in vain?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
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