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the keeper.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
i dont know if it was cause i learnt to treasure my chances and times at the theatres, but the recent ones were good. perhaps, it cause it's hard to even make it to the theatres now not like before. heavy hearted nonetheless, but still enough to keep me glued. i had a few people in mind, or rather, their names penetrated the mind and i cant wash them away, so i let them stay. it wont help i know, but i cant help holding them. the worries and sadness accumulated, no, wasnt getting emoshit but was just feel a little heavyhearted cos i thought of some people. people whom i encountered along the way, people who came by and stopped and left, people who turned to me and i wish i could help. and also, people who are there but i dont know when they wont be anymore. i treasured you, but you left anyway. i was the keeper, but im now letting it go. i wanna try doing it alone, though i somehow feel i cant really.
renew. || 12:47 AM
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adopting the foreign identity.
Friday, November 06, 2009
i know what im afraid of. that day. i know what im afraid of exactly. maybe not afraid but something like fear i can so imagine it coming true that i dont feel like facing it. its not overwhelming; its actually quite light. but light is not exactly non intrusive, it taps lightly; making light sounds, making light intrusion -- until the point that its actually quite heavy. ahh im tired. but im still quite afraid. and this time, i have one more to be afraid of. my instinct tells me that my fear is not unfounded. that im in for a disappointment if i start expecting.
renew. || 12:13 AM
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for all the times you stuck by me.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
things are NOT going on well.
people are facing problems.
why is it that we are feeling more inadequate as the years go by,
and that we are finding it increasingly harder to cope.
shouldnt ease meets age and expertise?
somehow, thats not the case.
is it me or is it that this semester seems to be harder.
or do i ask the same question every time it comes to this time of the semester.
on a lighter note, something im grateful & thankful for -
i have people around to keep me sane and focused.
renew. || 2:00 AM
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for my own reference.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Tom: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. Tom: What happens when you fall in love? Summer: You believe in that? Tom: It's love, it's not Santa Claus. Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch. This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
renew. || 2:17 AM
reel it in.
amalfi 135mins. not the chair gripping kind of thriller. not the breathtaking kind of action. but the story unfolds nicely, to reveal the answer that we all wonder within. the shots were breathtaking, the places were amazing. but halfway through the show i felt coldhearted, towards mankind. getting betrayed by the one nearest to you, simply is heartbreaking. but we're always ready to forgive. "time to say goodbye"
(500)days of summersimple but brings you on a up and down ride. throws you about as though you are bobbing in sea. that empty, that helpless. tom meets summer, and when summer is over, autumn winter and spring comes knocking. she says its quirky. i cant find the word for it. many ironies lie within the entired 95mins. simple yet heavy, deep yet simple. we knew where it was going but we harboured hope that things may turn out otherwise, thats what happens in real life too. though reel life always make disclaimer regarding any coincidences. it reminds me of you, albeit casual. im back on my movies line-up. it still is a part of me, though im still trying.
renew. || 1:33 AM
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letitgo.letsmoveon.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
"I dont forget people. Thats all you have to know"- & my heart breaks after. "Forgive me if you may not find me".
"Forgive me if I dont stop looking"
"Dont try. wont help""Thats for me to decide, not you." * Some people you have to let go; because it is only right. I'm sorry - maybe one day you wont be able to find me anymore. Its not that I've forgotten you, its not that you are not good anymore. Its just that, you remind me of what i dont want to be & bring me to the place in my heart that i dont want to visit anymore. Fragility is not what i can take anymore. I'll return when I'm ready to.
renew. || 1:55 AM
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我已下最后通牒
Sunday, November 01, 2009
i'm sorry. i dont know what else to say, but i feel sorry. sorry that you may have to go through it that im adding on to it. it was necessary. though it shall be the last. 我不想再为你掉泪 我了解 不会变 不再徘徊 开始自己的明天 我已下最后通牒 我躲在我的世界。 sometimes i wonder, am i the one trapping myself instead of thinking its you. because i realised, at times, i dont let myself go, after i let you go.
renew. || 1:48 AM
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:( WATCHINGFROMAFAR
Saturday, October 31, 2009
 IKNOWITSHALLOWEEN!
BUTWHYNOBODYSAVESTHEHOUSEBEHIND?!
THOUGHITHASAMENACINGLOOKTHATSAYSDESERVESIT BUTSTILLITSBURNING.
SCARECROWWHYDIDNTYOUDOANTYHINGABOUTIT!? :(
renew. || 2:31 AM
you had me at hallo.
 happy halloweeen.
renew. || 1:00 AM
unintentional
i didnt mean for it to be this way. i really didnt mean to. imsorry,ifthatwasthecase.
renew. || 12:29 AM
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long awaited anticipation
Friday, October 30, 2009
 powerpuff girls emerged. somehow, have a same tinge of similarity. is it the " if together very long will start to look alike effect"?!?!
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we both have atas friends
Thursday, October 29, 2009
we both used someone else as a shield when we ask the same question at a different time - the same somene else. to prevent misunderstanding i suppose. i wasnt expecting anything else, but it just struck me the sad similarity. i wasnt even hoping. i wouldnt dare to bet that it'd materialise anyway. coming from you, words seems to be just words and it seems like we are each from different world, trying to converge on the same spot, or not.
renew. || 2:24 AM
enveloping change.
 we shall see, as the answer unfolds tomorrow. (i realised i had similar styles here and there)
renew. || 1:25 AM
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i sing my own musical note
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
on a pissing note:d, dont always make me feel that coming online is my biggest mistake. rah. because of you. RAH. anyway, on a lighter note:FEDEX mission accomplished. "WE LIVE TO DELIVER" :) hope it was a good surprise. on a random interesting note:Dr. MW wondered why we three are always together. potato labelled us the powerpuffgirls. and even our ideas are similar that they somehow transferred through osmosis. what a way to say but yes, its only the three of us. my mom say we hang out too much that our grades assimilate. haha. and yy proclaimed "huh three of you" when she heard of us going to cut hair on thurs (just happened that that's the only time free & available) on a sleepy note:i know my body needs to sleep. but i aint allowing it to rest properly. not that i dont like it. just that, im afraid of sleeping cos of the nightmares that come knocking. but we all are that tired, crushing beneath what we can handle. on a future note:i dont know if you'd remember that day. and even if you do, you may not bother. i dont know if i dare to hope. i havent decide if i want to hope. so that perhaps its easier for me if you fail.
renew. || 1:03 AM
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watch it fly away
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
 if we hold on long enough. dont let it fade or fly away.
renew. || 2:16 AM
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contradictions with myself
Monday, October 26, 2009
 on the ground, it seems too far for me to reach to. in the sky, im afraid of falling as well.
renew. || 3:32 PM
nolstagia
i just realised today that, your existence is a mere absence. though, i didnt erase you.
renew. || 12:32 AM
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roadblock
Sunday, October 25, 2009
没有选择的我绕道驰骋 --- detour is necessary.
renew. || 4:21 AM
honesty is the best policy
before you can be honest to others, you must be honest to yourself. if not how are you gonna convince others, without first convincing yourself. 我们没有必要骗自己。
renew. || 3:30 AM
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if i count to three
Saturday, October 24, 2009
it used to seem so easy, to just drop a message, but it seems so hard now. part of the reason why i missed the USA trip was cause of you. because i kept you in thoughts, and maybe it seemed like you kept me in thoughts. its all a speculation, cause we all dont know if you really did. but part of me wished so, though i hadnt said so. i realised, i didnt even dare to let the phone ring. back then. if i count to three, will you vanish? but, i havent even start counting..
renew. || 2:45 AM
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disproportionate growth.
Friday, October 23, 2009
500 days of summer. the blue mansion. the sister's keeper. amalfi. dont make my list grow, when my time doesnt.
renew. || 1:58 AM
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if i were to pray and hope hard enough
Thursday, October 22, 2009
 (cj, i think this was what i was refering to the other time.)
this is the worst semester till date, i dont know if it gonna generalise to be the worst year. i hope not, sincerely i hope not. you hear me, dont you?
renew. || 4:03 AM
comm(u n i)cation
i used to like calls, with this i mean those for chats, not for information relaying. then i became adversive of it for a period of time. then i guess the effect lasted. i still sometimes dont like to talk over the phone, afraid that conversations will turn awkward, and that i dont know how to make it better. i hesistate at the moment of ringing, and decide whether to pick it up or not. i realised it all boils down to me being selective. to the caller and the state of mood at that point in time. during the conversation, i realise silence, i realise language. i pay attention to alot of things. and if i can, and if i want to, the conversation can last a long time. hours if my phone permits. silence can hold that long as well, and i never knew how silence can. you taught me how. and i knew how. whenever i doubt that fact, i think of you. back then, we're hanging by a line - a phone line to be precise. connected by that line, each in our own world. no, more of.. you in your own world - and you in mine.
renew. || 3:04 AM
'ssup.
"wassup?" "humssup." and it cracked her up. haha.
renew. || 1:10 AM
if you'd to believe me
does it matter? believe me when i say it does. so leave it as that, because it does matter a big deal to me.
renew. || 12:32 AM
remove that spot from me.
it wasnt meant to be, i didnt want to see any of you today. not you and you. but i saw you and you. ugh. i didnt want to seriously. walking towards either make me feel i just want to escape. immediately, with different feeling. why did you appear so frequently recently? im very sure you looked up, though i refuse to look up to see. but im very distracted by your presence. ugh. each and every time. and i hate it but i cant do anything about it. same initials, same kind of reluctance. but different kind of feelings.
renew. || 12:07 AM
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excerpts.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
it was a not meant to be joke for me i guess. the very existence of that slip of paper, pulled me back to half a year ago. it was a painful memory, yet it was like a chiding one at the same time. i chose to avoid it, thus didnt want to have it, but i realised i dont mind it in the end. cos, essentially it was what i put my heart into at that time. and this was a reminder of that, albeit a painful one. presentation was less than fine i guess, or at least our group feels so. inadequate preparation? perhaps. was just exhaustion in play. i tried my very best. we tried our very best that we can muster at that point in time. one more tomorrow. two more to come. and we shall face the onslaught. and i have to fall sick at this point. where's the resilience, and potato told me that i fell sick one of the previous semester as well, at this period of time where my workload is the heaviest. simply cos she remember i used "pre-empt" in the explanation back then. but yes, i need rest. cant afford it now. but we all need a proper rest. credit card hooha tonight, no time or effort or cognitive resource to go worry about it tonight. another set of slides awaits us. i dont know how convincing this sounds anymore, but hang in there people! & just when i was about to end, it starts to rain. just when i needed you most.
renew. || 1:04 AM
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天使的约定
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i want to tell you that i care, at the same time, i wish you know that without me telling. on the other hand, i dont wish to bother.
renew. || 1:32 AM
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a foreign land to you is a second home to me
Monday, October 19, 2009
i thank you for the weekend, for everything that you shared. it wasnt easy, definitely, and im thankful, for being here with me. making the ramen more tasteful than it already is, by sharing the juicyyy story sharing good food, sharing fun times, allowing me to take a break admist all the nonsense. laughing about me being young once -duh, we all age! talking about future lives as though we gonna like get married tomorrow, and fly off the day after. (: but i love such times over dinner. then, i let you in on something that i havent told anybody but i guess, it wasnt as juicy as yours. but definitely insert some colors into my boring life now. (: but like i said, and like you said, i know what i want, and be overly cautious. but thats how we protect ourselves isnt it. and no, 187 didnt bang me - i told you so. haha!
renew. || 1:26 AM
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活该
Saturday, October 17, 2009
最近的你 很惹人讨厌 你知不知道 又野蛮又霸道 自以为是 你知不知道 想把一切不安转为动力 一直努力在逃避 似乎不去想就不会有事 真是天真的家伙 你真的以为这样就好?! 把悲伤自己扛 是你自以为是的做法 把悲伤留给自己 你说是保护的方法 到底想保护谁 或许是蠢 但是唯一不蠢的蠢事 封闭 你说是唯一能做的事 对不起。
renew. || 1:31 AM
like you did before.
you know how affected you are when your favourite tutor has no effect, when you have no way to concentrate on what you have to do, you have no idea how to avoid, you have to constantly remind yourself that it doesnt matter. 不想。不要。 不要看到你。 不想看到你。 its a want and a need, TO NOT SEE YOU. please conduct your disappearing act - like you did before.
renew. || 12:58 AM
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please.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
this is a hard decision. a hard choice to even begin with. bless me with the logical mind that i need, the rationality that i require. tears are to be kept out of bound. you are to stay safe and sound.
renew. || 2:01 AM
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plunging to the incorrigible state
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i feel i write like a primary school child. the depth of my writing is becoming unbearable to read. why has it come to such a stage? beats me. it wasnt good to start with. and i cant write like how i blog, cause nobody would understand. & i really love my player tonight. it hasnt failed tonight. keep it up. you need to stay with me.
renew. || 11:04 PM
the same heart beats in the same rhythm
sometimes, i think my player know me well. 'cause, it will play good songs when i need it without me requiring it. that is a consolation in itself. without having me to 'next' incessantly. i wish my brain will work the same way as well. stop routing to things which it should not land on and should hinge itself in focus.
renew. || 10:45 PM
if you'd realise,
i actually mind it alot. a big deal lot of it. so please pardon me.
renew. || 9:17 PM
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all aspect ratios
Monday, October 12, 2009
don't let me sink. in all context - him & him.
renew. || 12:47 AM
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人质在这一刻得到释放
Sunday, October 11, 2009
在我心上用力地开一枪 让一切归零在这声巨响 我不挣扎 反正我也没差
renew. || 12:37 AM
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the way it was supposed to be,
Saturday, October 10, 2009
 give me a week, 在满一个星期之前，我们要好好加油! for you for me.
if it become from a want to a need...
renew. || 1:49 AM
not about the best time
allow me, for tonight, just for tonight. indulge in full weakness. 越烂的人越会有报应 我一定是烂透了。
renew. || 12:01 AM
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in case of karma..
Friday, October 09, 2009
okay, not over for all. but over for ten am. dunch like the buildup. but the only consolation that i have for myself is that, ive a wonderful group. thankyou for the hardwork. its over with climate change and food for now. and forevevever. (:
renew. || 2:02 PM
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i want to movie movie!
Thursday, October 08, 2009
im thankful for alot things today. the group's stressful and madness today. mengsy's sunflower that i can go "i will be okay" "i will be okay" for the petals. first and last dinner with the group. nice bus ride though he dont like to take bus at all. chilling out over icecream. orange choc bitters. trashed out loads and loads of shows. feels good. good enough for the day. wah make me feel like wanna go on the movie watching streak again. " that is if you havent catch it already" /接近换来期望 期望带来失望的恶性循环 Today has to be good, all cause i know tomorrow wont be.
renew. || 11:16 PM
dontwakemeup.
i think this is my worst october. 1 - info term test 3 - food meeting. IT meeting. 6 - abnormal test. 8 - food meeting. 9 - food presentation. IT meeting. 10 - IT/ab meeting. 13 - IT presentation. 14 - devt meeting. 15 - IT termpaper. 20 - ab presentation. 21 - devt presentation. 23 - work. 24 - work. 26 - devt assignment. if you ask me how to survive, i'd just tell you -shrug. pick my pieces up when october end.
renew. || 12:27 AM
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假想敌
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
笑完过后 一阵空虚 突然好想 大哭一场 亡命之徒。 我以为 这些年 我变了 可笑是 这些年 我没变 变的是 那些泪 那心痛 拼命埋 拼命埋 拼命埋 --- 红橙黄绿我都找不到的晴天 从此 我们两个世界 在灰色季节渐渐忘记你的一切
过几年 我在原点
彩虹出现 而我再也找不到 美丽的蝴蝶 偏偏飞不上天 对你的想念 再也寄不到
你世界 地址是再见
renew. || 9:21 PM
me, you, him, her, we, they, us?
wants to leave. unpleasantness and uncertainty loomed ahead. when i dont know how to handle i usually choose to escape so i close myself again, and im back in my own world. i dont ask what she feels i dont ask what to do i assume everything will be alright someday if i dont bother, i dont. it will be fine. ask me again, its cause i dont dare to probe. i hope the next time i hear about you, you are fine. dont make me cry.
renew. || 12:18 AM
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at the other end of the rope
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
why did we all fall prey to unattainable happyness? to the inability to emerge stronger than will. clouded, by stress and mess. pull it back, pull the smile back. it can be worse, right? somehow, it seems like its just a matter of who is able to sustain this struggle of hanging on to the rope for the longest period of time, and not let go - declare surrender. its about emerging victorious due to stamina endurance and strength, rather than capability or the nature of the task itself. its true that capability makes things easier, such that calibre sets people one step ahead of others, making things seemingly more effortless. however, when the game is still on, with calibre and no tenacity, its not landslide victory. futile attempt? (& to quote her) lost cause? co-morbidity, salience, effect size, significance - these things crush my life, yet they make me go on at the same time.
renew. || 1:27 AM
the induction process.
"5 years and counting"
"i must go back to 4 years and counting.."
"lets just leave it at 4 days"
... and then we parted.
i felt so heavy hearted. i really felt i can just turn back and go back, then and there. but i couldnt. in real life as well. i swear i could have cried the moment i opened my eyes. but i didnt. as it was all in the past. the sadness loomed nevertheless, i cant get out of it. not for a while. 5 years and counting, how are you? 4064770968.
renew. || 1:10 AM
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it was much needed
Sunday, October 04, 2009
"it as an achievement achieved without effort isnt an achievement at all.. so jiayou!!"- we can achieve! we can achieve! (: (: (: but it was good, a much needed 2 hours getaway. as much as there was some confusion along the way, some moments really made me smile right from heart. randomness along the way is me. i hope it didnt cause too much irritation. i cant change that bit, though at the same time, we feel i changed alot. lao le. zhang da le. yeah, you walked by me so far so long, no wonder we feel the years setting in. all along, i only had thank you and thank you for you. thank you for being here whenever i need an outlet directly or indirectly i always managed to feel better. im thankful for a few years back and im thankful for now. i hope its a start and no end, but people cant hope too much, so i maintain my randomness, in a bid that you wont forget me along the way. you read, so you know who you are. this time you'd understand, fully understand that, this is for you. iloveyou and imissyou, not in any inappropriate way, but in the most sincere, the im-so-glad-you-are-in-my-life-love and i-hope-you-are-doing-well-good-and-everything-nice-miss. thankyou arhtu. thankyou.thankyou.thankyou. though it isnt the 26th dec yet, this entry feels like it should belong to that day instead. but randomness is me (:
renew. || 3:08 AM
why did you return
you know it can be very hard, but it can be better? i dont know why i kept missing you tonight but you kept creeping back into the brain every scene i saw i thought of you every car i saw i thought of you. MLS - sha gua wo men dou yi yang (: dinner was good, i felt okay-ly good. maybe not the best, but better than worst. maybe its the rain? but at the end of the day, still feel very tired. 'seldom hear you complain sleepy' .. if the deadlines wont kill me, maybe the payne will.
renew. || 12:20 AM
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whereareyou.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
too far, you are too far. there are some things that im glad for, yet at the same time i lament over some other stuffs. some things weigh more than others, while some are just insignificant. but i cant help it. many times, its cause you didnt seem bothered, or you didnt seem to bother. i washed away those thoughts thinking its you being tired of trying. then i turn around and blamed it on myself. but still, it matters to me. too far. you are too far. but why a small part of me tells me that i need that space, to get used to you all over again.
renew. || 1:08 AM
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goawaypayne.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
dai wo zou. rang wo zou. juan le lei le ke wang yong bao. feng le. i need my happy food. i need my happy food. i need my happy food.
renew. || 12:03 AM
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its not that painful if we say so
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
its the first week. i dont know if im taking it well, but tomorrow is the start of it all. the opening of flood gate, and you cant say stop. back to back discussions and project meeting from 1-4 then 4-8. basically drained out every part of me. but studying with them was fun. gossip session breaks daily. and alot of eye candies today. im sure people its where we're sitting. such high traffic place of course will see lah. i'll take a week by a week. by 3/4 weeks time, we'll see where we'll be. move on. people, press on. - soc quiz - devt presentation (proj) - info test - abnormal mcq test - food presentation - info presentation - info termpaper - abnormal presentation - devt presentation (article)
renew. || 12:27 AM
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CANYOUFEELMYHAPPYNESS?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
 ITS GONNA RAIN TONIGHT IM CAN SMELL THE RAIN FEEL THE WIND I CAN FEEL MY BONES TINKLING WITH HAPPYNESS WHEEEE! WOOOOHOOOO~ THE SKY'S RED THE WIND IS SWIRLING ALL AROUND ME ITS GONNA RAIN TONIGHT ITS GONNA RAIN TONIGHT ITS GONNA RAIN TONIGHT (: (: (: --- OHH OHH! IT RAINED! I STOOD AT THE WINDOW AND LET THE WATER SPRAY BREATHING IN THE COOL FRESH AIR FEELING WOOHOO-LY HAPPY HEAR THE RAIN, SEE THE RAIN THAT'S RAIN FOR ME (:
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the heart yearns too much
Monday, September 28, 2009
i badly wish for rain now for rain now i badly wish i wish for rain badly now rain now i badly wish for badly i wish for rain now now badly i wish for rain wish rain for now i badly rain wish badly i now for wish badly for rain now i now for rain i wish badly you get my idea? maybe i can cry? so that it starts raining? at least in my heart it does rain?
renew. || 2:00 AM
rambling doesnt just stop here.
good and bad all in a day. rushed to meet vel to get something from her, didnt manage to say much then have to rush off. then rushed to meet the girls before realising all of them will late. then lunch at il piccolo clementi. finally. somehow wasnt up to my standard, i dont know is it that i forgot the taste already. some random phototaking capturing all the unglamness. before parting for individual stuffs. then shopped a bit at the pasar malam in the area. chee got her phone back casing. i couldnt find mine. BIGGEST MISTAKE. cos the phone landed for the 3rd time on the bus journey back to school. i tried to cushion the fall - to no avail. injury sustained yet again. super hot weather that got me very restless. concentration level at all time low. progress was usual slow. dinner and f1 vrooming. crashes and alot of excitement there. then tried to discuss the project with yh but cant come to any logical answer, so the end. but the weather really very hot. GOT NEED SO HOT NOT. RAWR. and the fight is just about to begin. push on, people! push on. try convincing myself first.
renew. || 12:15 AM
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