the girl.the rain.the story

because i see a need to

2011-07-06T23:56:00.002+08:00

my life now. is in a random havoc state.

as much as im doing alright, i am not.

too much contradictions in my life now.

i have a life, just that it is a working life. i dont exactly hate working life. but. but. but.

my stress level fluctuate like mad. one week i can be fine, another week not.

the workload increases exponentially. at a very steep gradient. but thats ok, really thats ok. if i can handle.

at the end of the day, i miss the people around me. you, you, you and you...

SCREAM.

2011-06-18T00:39:00.002+08:00

i finally. finally. finally have my own internet connection.

F I N A L L Y.

its been too long.

ilostafriend

2011-04-24T22:15:00.002+08:00

where did i go wrong. i lost a friend.

if it takes just a step to walk the wrong way, congrats tanhuiqi, you just did.

when the sun goes down at the end of the day.

2011-04-10T22:50:00.003+08:00

i seek to believe that we are actually humans and we are doing things that are considered humane.

things such as leaving without saying bye. But sometimes, they return.

9 Apr has been the most awesome sunday this year. in the same day, i had a good lunch, a good climb, a good dinner and a good gaming session. all the good put together made that an awesomeful day. the possible only sad part is that the goodness of it makes everything else stand out like a sore thumb. or maybe sore thumbs since they are in plural form. it is more of a norm. yesterday was more of a rare chance occurence, much much treasured.

every single cell in me was smiling at the end of the day. It does not bother me even if I appeared stupid as for the first time in a long long time I genuinely felt happy. This particular emotion eluded me since a while back and did not want to return to me. Hence, this time, after this eventual return, I wish it will stay.

Just like humans, emotions, they leave just like that. TURN AND GO.

---

On a separate note, there is somebody who kept appearing in my mind these few days. Not supposed to I know. Just a random comment, you dont have to take me too seriously on that account.

---

"Seeking to redress that justice. "
&
"Bravery is being able to face your own fear"

Try harder.

youhavenoidea

2011-04-03T12:02:00.002+08:00

haha. just suddenly felt like adding some noise to this page. actually i do miss writing. writing informally i mean. too much formal writing kills creativity. work is no good. but yeah thats work. nobody says work's gonna be a breeze. everything else is as boring as a boring storybook. other than the random dinners which can only happen at 8pm due to my erratic work hours. hhaha ok this post is not meant to be a ranting post. well, but not too much emotions lately for me to write in a emo~ manner. still very much hooked onto CSI:NY. :)) its a boring sunday. but i have shit load of work to do by this weekend. and im in deep shit cos i didnt lay a finger on the work yesterday and im going out today. on a side not, many many are away. in different parts of the world. slight envy i have there but i couldnt care that much cos i cant get my butt out of singapore. at least not anytime soon. i wish, and so i wish i can be anywhere but hereeeee. i have no idea what more random things i wanna write. so lets keep it, till then! :)) ps: april is a crazy month. too many birthdays~!

dinomilo

2011-04-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. :))

not that i know of

2011-03-26T23:37:00.003+08:00

we did not establish the fact that we shared some exclusive memories.
because, before i had the chance to do so,
you left.
and its been a long long while since i last saw you.

i have no reason to wonder if i matter to you,
because i strongly believe that it does not matter a fair bit anymore.

but, today, for a long time,
i missed you.
how i wish its mutual.

softspot.

2011-03-26T02:30:00.000+08:00

i used to like you alot.
but
i cant anymore.

last chance

2011-03-11T03:19:00.000+08:00

i never had chance to stay up at this late in the middle of the night
almost never since 6 months ago.
but it seems like tonight i refuse to sleep
as i hear the raindrops pitter patter outside.
it calms me, albeit slightly.

screwed.

2011-03-11T02:55:00.000+08:00

.i.want.to.sit.down.and.cry.

iforgothowitfeelsliketocrywithnoreservations.

if you have some time to spare

2011-03-11T02:42:00.001+08:00

no, i am not good.
not good at all.

in between a rock and a hard place.

2011-03-11T02:27:00.002+08:00

its weird. how things always have to hit the pit bottom before i have time to come roaring and whining here.

work was bad. disclaimer would be that im at no point in time angry at anyone for anything but rather frustrated at myself for failing to meet expectations.
im constantly letting fear get to the better side of me - as much as i do not want to.
in a way, im constantly trying to show that i am capable, yet at the same time the incapability choose to sneak out on its own accord.
not exactly a good day, nowhere near "alright".
but things did not take a turn for good.
instead it took a plunge.
like i ask out loud, "ifyouhavetoputmethroughthistoseehowmuchcanitake, i concede defeat".
seriously, does it please you to put us in this position over and over again,
to face the same place, conquer the same fear and to let history repeats entirely?
we're freaking tired, please.
just when we thought things gonna turn a little smoother,
you choose to rattle and create chaos.
you know, people have limit?
when they reach the limit they are unreasonable.
you know when they go beyond the limit, things get out of hand.
dont justify yourself by saying you wanna push that limit.
cause, all you are pushing is your luck.

the tipped scale.

2011-02-20T23:28:00.001+08:00

the brain's a little overworked.

the heart's a little overweight.

i think im missing you a little over the edge.

if in doubt, press "0"

2011-02-20T23:27:00.001+08:00

dont pretend that nobody cares.

cause you know thats not true.

you load yourself with all the uncertainty.

how are you sure that thats where you'll be ultimately.

dont resist the wave.

2011-02-20T21:20:00.004+08:00

there are times i felt like giving up.

not cause i dont want to go on.

more of cause i did not know how to.

but at the same time,

i want myself to keep going.

dont set my heart on impossibility.

with greater responsiblity comes heavier workload.

we all know that.

its about balancing and coping.

im sure you will do fine.

you need to up your portfolio.

its a need.

unless you really wanna leave.

howhaveyoubeen.

2011-01-29T23:12:00.003+08:00

i know, its been super long ago since i last updated. yes that was a few months ago. which means to say that was LAST YEAR.

so much have happened cross year. this entire period is a bit tiring. a little too tiring to take.

things have stepped up steeply. so much so that, for the past two weeks, im feeling very suffocated. tired and totally drained. at one point in time, i actually wonder, why is it that everytime im under stress i'd feel totally lousy. could it be that i cant handle stress? or is it that my tenacity is not great enough. in any case, im fully stretched these few weeks. the sudden steepening of my learning curve caught me off guard, albeit forewarned. i need more encouraging words before i break down, i need more space before i feel stifled. i need more. but im trying, trying my best to cope. to not show too much. apparently, im not very successful at the last point. a few times, i think i revealed a tad too much emotions (though much much lesser than before). at least, im glad that i have supporting colleagues.

the only happy thing out of these few weeks is that - I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MY OWN DRIVE! not the car itself, but the ability. that put me in a very happy position. no doubt, its a little disappointing that it had to take me 3 times to do it, the sense of achievement this time was great. simply due to the bad weather and good tester. its not just a pass. to me, i passed with flying colors and compliment. thats what matters. so thank you.

one of the TANS left for Denmark and wont be back about 5 mths later. and im beginning to miss him already, even though i dont really see him when he's here. velkhoo is away for a longer period of 7 mths at Seattle. Andre's all over the world. Andy's leaving for melb soon when his vacation end and it seems like he wont be back till he graduate or maybe even later. that would be another 2 yrs down the road. everyone's not around.

2011 hello.

please treat me better.

thank you.

for the umpteenth time.

2010-12-27T00:05:00.000+08:00

i'll miss you.

over & over again.

cheers&loves.

2010-12-26T00:19:00.003+08:00

no i havent forget.

its 26/12.

8 years. nice. almost 1/3 of my life

thankyouthankyouthankyou.

this year you are a mrs.

but to me you're still r2.

:) :) :)

theonlyconstant.

2010-12-04T00:27:00.002+08:00

its been a long and super slow november.

didnt anticipate its arrival and now that its gone, im glad.

this is the first time in many years that i have to declare aloud that

i.do.not.like.november.

weird. but its indeed a taxing month.

for the entire month,

physical and mental capacity have been stretched to the max

however it kept me going just right.

im sure a tinge more will tilt the balance.

too much has happened.

in this time span of 1 mth.

much change has occured.

and no longer the me.

except that im living in the same shell of tanhuiqi.

somepeoplejustaskforthesakeofasking

2010-11-22T11:11:00.000+08:00

「兩杯中的熱拿鐵。」
『好的，請問拿鐵是要熱的還是冰的?』
「……」

是要逼我說出冰的熱拿鐵嗎?

-spyorange.

nammyohorengaykyo.

2010-11-06T23:50:00.002+08:00

you watched me grow old

and now i want to watch you grow old.

I may need you more than I think I do.

and this time,

its for a longer period of time,

and for a more significant matter.

actually all i need is...

to believe.

If you'd agree, I'm sure you'd.

2010-11-06T00:45:00.006+08:00

Its really not that i disappeared into thin air.

Its just that i dont know how to leave my trace anymore.

This November is not gonna be a good November.

Not anymore.

Even though i always insists that November is a helluva good month

But not this month.

It doesnt matter what cause its lousiness

We cant say for sure.

If we sincerely believe that something is gonna turn for the better

Will it then turn for the better?

Life hasnt been too kind.

Or could it be that you are being too hard on yourself?

"november is here again but you are not and like warm pumpkin pie, the changing of leaves, the brink of winter around the corner, thanksgiving and other things i eagerly await for to come back during this time of year, i, too, wait for you to join in line.. but you don’t, you never do and like a ghost set in my bones, i can still feel you living inside me, even if i can’t see you, even if i haven’t heard from you in a long time.. because the memory of you still goes on and on and on, running alongside these veins deep within this heart that refuses to ever let it fade." - 52 hearts.

3 pairs of men and 2 pairs of women

2010-10-27T23:13:00.002+08:00

after so many years,

this is the first time i came so close to going through what you like.

and i actually enjoyed it.

but i failed myself this time.

not exactly a failure per se

but the disappointment did thrust itself deep within.

but no worries,

this is just one of the many

many times that such thoughts penetrate and make its entry.

through this,

i somehow remember you

although i hadnt forget a bit,

remembering was a different issue.

disappointmentatitslargest.

2010-10-17T00:59:00.003+08:00

I'm so tired.
So tired that all i want to do is to fall back and sleep.
Essentially yes i can do that.

i'm so hungry.

so hungry that i dont wanna eat anything.

cos i cant decide what do i want to fill my stomach with.

"i want you so much more than you think i do"

---

Im sorry vel & darryn for i gave both of you a scare on thurs night.
Im sorry terr for pangsehing friday dinn.
Im sorry hy for not seeing your msg till it was too late for supper.

whatdoesitfeellike.

2010-10-14T23:46:00.004+08:00

does it please you to see me fail?

does it please you to see me pale?

first time in my life did i step up to a cinema counter, purchase a ticket and walk right into the theatre and sit through a 140min show by myself. all at the last minute, realising that the show is at 3:45 when it was 3:40 when i checked. its an awesome show. the kind of feel its good at its best and feel its bad at its worst kind of show.

first time in my life did i take my keys and walked right out through that door, with nothing but a no batt phone. sat by the basketball court watched a few groups came and left and sat by the playground watched kids run about. for a full 2 hours.

one of the many times in my life that i felt angry. at them for not thinking from me. true its not big deal. but its not a laughing matter. at least not for me. one of the many times in my life did i know what is it like to feel like i freaking did my best yet failed like mad. and i somehow knew.

cause i just kept myself breathing and breathing. for fear that i forget how to.

c'mon la. you can do better than this.

"tentententen.."

2010-10-11T23:11:00.003+08:00

well wishes for you (x 2) here that came a bit late:

to my dearest r2,

wanna say congratulations for being a mrs!

you've waited for this day to come

and finally, you're happily married.

im truly happy for you,

for you've overcome all odds these years,

cherishing your happiness and all

to reach this next stage of your life.

now,

i wish you eternal bliss with your mister,

while you walk alongside with your love,

i wish that you be good and well forever.

to you, this happy mrs :)

to my mahjong zimo kaki,

you've said you were surprised i noticed.

haha, but ive been silently following.

smiling at all your excitement

that you let loose through the words and pictures.

im sorry that i may not be able to turn up for the wedding dinner itself

but i'll deliver my blessings

all the way to where you all

where you stand side by side

with your eternal happiness.

nobodynobodybutyou.

2010-10-08T23:21:00.003+08:00

in a bid to love somebody

you dont suffocate the other party.

breathing is essential.

youwerenevermycompetitor.

2010-10-07T23:19:00.002+08:00

i didnt use to like running.

i reinstate my stand that im not a runner,

as my running speed was never the best among the teammates.

but i felt a little worth in my runs now.

at least i feel a little more worthy than what i felt back in my old school days.

i still prefer to be moving,

then sticking my butt on the chair in the office.

even if i dont excel and come in first

i feel the adrenaline rush

to run my best and do my fastest.

when i pace her, i felt happy.

i dont need to be fast to feel good.

thats what i want.

i may not be the fastest

but i win my own race -

me against myself.

officially the chapalang sports girl.

im doing it all for my own sake - to remain sane

before work kills me,

till my last drop of blood remain.

dontgivemewhatididnotaskfor.

2010-10-07T22:39:00.002+08:00

thank you for the dinner.

thank you for sharing.

i hope i dont end up on your black list.

but you are really one lucky dude.

though i wouldnt dare to do anything on that list you said.

but appreciated.

i feel disappointed about me feeling sore about being pulled out without consent.

although we all know its for a greater good

but shouldnt you give me deserved credit.

its not nice at all to be informed at the last moment that you are not needed.

redundant.

as it is always.

youhavenoidea.

2010-10-05T00:02:00.004+08:00

status of the battered body:

head throbbing pain.

abdominal cramps.

left ankle sprain.

right thigh muscle strain.

a very confused brain

and a thoroughly worn out heart.

&ifyouwouldallow, pleasegivemesomecreditformyability.

ihateithatyoudothistome

2010-10-02T12:53:00.003+08:00

dontbesoselfish.

itisasimportanttomeasitisasimportanttoyou.

sopleasedontmagnifyyourworries

foritdoesnotjustifyanything

otherthanyourunreasonableactionsandwords.

ifyouareangry

soami.

sowhatmakesyouangrierthaniam.

ifhedoesntwanttostudythensobeit.

dontgoaroundworryingeverybodyelse

thinkingthatnoassumingthateverybodyelse

shouldbearresponsbilityforit.

wth.

ijustwantyoutoheal

2010-09-30T13:58:00.003+08:00

its not nice, not nice at all to not be able to perform what you are more comfortable with.
it saddens me much.

dunchlike.

2010-09-28T11:50:00.003+08:00

i hate my dream last night.
hate having to wake up with a pounding heart.
i heard the heart racing so fast in the dream and out of dream.
the context was real.
i saw real people.
i saw people i know and am close to.
a lot of screaming going on to usher them through the door hurriedly.
the frantic attempt to lock the door before the mad woman come to take him away.
to avoid him like a plague just cause he hurts me.

and when i woke up it was wayy past the ideal time. mad rush for work.

emesoltnowuoy

2010-09-24T00:17:00.003+08:00

some people can easily declare "i miss you"

but i dont know how to.

how do i get those words out.

i miss you.

the words seem so unreal.

its so hard.

clattered with emotions, every single alphabet strives to make itself heard

but as a whole

the three words resonate so loud

that it shatters-

any possibility of them being real.

but did you hear me?

ifyouhangthewordsloosely,cuthosestringsinstead.

2010-09-22T23:15:00.001+08:00

i want some minions.

for they can read you when you dont have to say anything

and they deliver promises at all cost.

humans cant do that.

humans cant understand another human

and humans cant deliver words as promised.

if you ever promised to be there then be there.

dont disappear.

itsnotajokeforitsnotfunny.

2010-09-22T23:07:00.002+08:00

i randomly went around to see,

and saw something which i dont want to see.

fb, the evil.

although not a confirmation,

i still think its enough to confirm.

just saying.

遇见了你 :)

2010-09-19T18:29:00.002+08:00

i wanna remember every single detail of the concert last night. from the super fast dinner to the super big bowl of yoghurt that we almost gorged ourselves to death. to the amazing seats to the amazing view. and every single note of his crooning. to the very last moment where he bowed and the lights were up again.

how we were both uber excited from the change of seats. i was practically beaming for i have ALWAYS wanted that set of seats, envying those who always managed to get those seats while i have to clamber my way up the long stairs. but not yesterday, we were told upstairs were closed and we were redirected to the set of seats that garnered good views though we auntily scampered to those seats after being told that they are free seating. HAHA! then we settled down after scouting for the perfect pair of seats (PERFECT ENOUGH FOR ME) and we saw that there were clappers. so both of us managed to inflated one pair keeping the other pair for keepsake! haha but velkhoothelousy deflated one of the pair half an hour through the show and we're left with only one arm of the pair. oh wells. i had my hands busy with the camera though. haha. and velkhoothelousy was getting so excited before that hitting both clappers together to ignite the flash inside the clappers that she hit the guy who was sitting infront of us on the head. like WTH! hahahah i couldnt stop laughing after that. the other self entertain moment was when i spotted an actor in the crowd and he was like walking down the aisle stairs beside me, so i was telling vel to quickly snap a photo of him! but velkhoothelousy was too slow! haha and then since she got the camera i asked her to zoom in to where he was sitting at least could get a shot of him, BUT she zoomed in and lost the focus. OMG. the next thing he sat down in the midst of crowd. HAHA! and we were getting all excited as the lights dimmed and he appeared onstage. and i was getting all excited and started spamming her tweets with random comments. tweeting all the chinese songs titles so that i wouldnt forget the songs he sang.

much canto songs and speech, dabbed with excerpts of smooth sounding english and hongkong-accented chinese. guest appearance by TANYACHUA.even though their interaction is a little awkward but there is none of it when they both sang the song together. afterwhich was much complains from him about not wanting to hear the males scream his name and his declaration that he only likes females. and the inner him likes males and bugs and insects too. haha. when everything ended, we left the stadium satisfied. very much. i wouldnt say its the best concert that ive been to, in terms of atmosphere and all, and the subtitles are lacking big time, and that i couldnt understand almost 3/4 of what he was blabbering but i did enjoy myself thoroughly as i found myself smiling at the stage almost all the time.

and vel got a call from william to abandon me. well not exactly totally.

we acted like drunk kids singing at the top of our voices as we walked from esplanade mrt to esplanade. gosh, its a deceit alright. cos its super far. promenade station is much nearer. i was complaning the whole way, while she was having a hard time controlling her bladder. haha. yet we went up the DNA HELIX BRIDGE impromptu-ly for both of us had not gone up before. much talks about how we'd break up if we finish walking to the other side of the bridge, but we did not finish it eventually. haha.

then i was left stranded at esplanade busstop. so angry that i dont even wanna talk about it. weird things that people do! so i text vel to come back save me after calvin picked her up at raffles hotel. and so i took a ride from calvin, listening and laughing at calvin's witty comments and his different kind of humour. and seeing him and william again after so many years. haha. abduction is singapore is nothing, and so they say. everything was worth it, even though i ended up on the other side of the island, and taking a cab home all the way to where im due to be.

to a ugly end. but still.

not your typical boy & girl next door

2010-09-19T03:07:00.002+08:00

[pics shall come later - need time to sieve and upload]

the men of the night:

eason.

calvin.

william.

---

and the woman velkhoo & helping her do live updates realtime :)

veldakhoo at eason chan's concert w huiqi tan woohoo our seats got upgraded!about 8 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo whee tanhuiqi rocks!:) easonchan rocks!:)about 8 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii: falling in love w him all over again and again and again:) super loves!about 8 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo qii- velda khoo this idiot hit ppl's head while getting high on the saxabout 8 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii - tao tai !about 8 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii - mad loves! Omg. Tear jerking mad loves!about 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo eason chan will probably be the only chinese singer that makes me cry like thisabout 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo eason chan please stop talking in cantonese i dont understandabout 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo shuo huang! Zui!about 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii- vel the idiot actually burst the clapper! Only half hour into the show! Lousy pokabout 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii- i dun understand all the canto songs! :( but i still love him anyway! :)about 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii: 'eason' -screams- 'hushi' -laughs- :) :) :)about 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo qii- omg omg omg! Hao jiu bu jian! Ultimate tear jerker:(about 7 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo wo jiu shi xi huan ni xian zai de yang ziabout 7 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo gei her.. Gay him..hahahahaha :)about 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo duo shaoabout 6 hours ago via Mobile Web

veldakhoo tanyaaaaaaaaaa! Chio ttm!about 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo da er wen!about 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo ai shi huai yi by the damn seh guitarist hahaabout 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo ai qing zhuan yi canto version..about 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo qii- super zai percussions play:) i see le also hand pain. Hahaabout 6 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo qii- eason is damn good. I'm so gonna start learning canto seriously, so that i can match up to him:) haha velkhoo too.about 5 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo encore song :) bei bao!about 5 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo shi nian,canto version :(about 5 hours ago via Mobile Web
veldakhoo huiqi spammed my twitter with eason chan comments - but it was goooood.10 minutes ago via web
(ITS MUCH BETTER THAN JUST GOOOOOOD)

遗失的美好

2010-09-12T23:29:00.002+08:00

Q Bear says thank you

for qii is okay, better than she was a few days ago.

she will be fine in days to come

hanging on to the strength that was given to her from PLAN A, PLAN B, PLAN C..

you left me crawling on my own; bawling on the phone

2010-09-11T01:23:00.002+08:00

i drank a little last night. i know i did it on purpose. to drink and ask for more. at the same time i do not worry for i know my limit. though i came out tipsy i wasnt due to the drinking but due to the empty stomach before the drink itself. i could still walk. i could still talk. and most importantly i am very sober. and its not about drowning sorrows.

at one moment, i wanted to top the glass. but the next moment, i stopped the pouring. its only through laughing and singing that i can stop tears from flowing. i wanted to walk home, but in the state that i was in, i thought i had better not. i sang as though i had not done so in ages (but in real fact i had not done so in a while). i dont know how to control my emotions so all i can do is to keep drinking and singing. i forgot what did i sing afterall. i only hear myself screaming a little tearing down the heart walls and rebuilding them at the same time.

the earlier part of the day was a nightmare and i had to keep the tears in so that i wouldnt mess up the makeup and scare my colleagues. the later part of the day was a drama for i was just going a little wild and rowdy trying to keep up my usual level of highness.

gotten a lift from bear. at the lift lobby i bumped into a man, and from that moment i ran home straight.

msn chat with domodyng was left hanging for i was falling in and out of sleep and the lapse was 30 minutes each time. im sorry and i think i said some random nonsensical stuffs.

needed to talk badly for at the moment in time i was torn. torn apart and frantically trying to repair. urgent need to talk coupled with urgent need to be alone. its not confused mind. its the heart's intention to keep itself busy.

but in the end, the alcohol in me knocked me unconscious. while the tears fell of its own accord.

the list could go on forever.

2010-09-11T01:17:00.002+08:00

tonight i miss a lot of people.

but in the end,

i didnt find any one of them.

cos i didnt know how to.

and i cant find the courage to.

what should i say.

what can i do.

have not yet figured those out

hence,

inaction.

but you are missed - just in case you dont know.

and at the same time,

我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉.

how are you?

-----

this has got to end somewhere, somehow.

givemeabreak :(

2010-09-09T11:15:00.003+08:00

WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME.

JIU RANG WO LI NI YUAN YUAN.

ZHE CHANG YOU XI WO SHU DE WU TI TOU DI.

RANG WO CONG CI WANG LE NI.

----

THE PROBLEM IS - WHY TODAY?! OF ALL DAYS, WHY TODAY?!

are you free?

2010-09-07T23:12:00.003+08:00

finally i blew my top.

have never been this angry for so long.

i don;t know is it the stress

or is it the pain

or is it the irritability

or is it just him.

but im dreading thurs alot. alot. alot.

keep me occupied tomorrow night.

you're the first that comes to mind.

but you're the last that i'm gonna find.

will you free me?

2010-09-04T21:22:00.006+08:00

its been a while, since i was able to laugh till i want to cry. at one particular i wanted to cry, when i was laughing till i tear. at that moment i felt happy and sad at the same time. happy that i still have them, sad that im not happy without them.

the influx of emotions came at the earlier part of the day when an awful truth was confirmed. i was certain that a small part of me felt a little lost as to where im heading. so i kind of only had to tell myself that i can only keep walking straight ahead.

so last night, i laughed my hardest since a long time ago. trying to take in all the happy moments as though hoping it would last till the next time we meet.

i have many thoughts about this issue. and when one particular came, i was surprised at its entry. and lately, ive been feeling a little low due to various issues, things that i cannot handle. and irritated at my inability to cope, both yours and mine.

and im already dreading the coming week.

suddenly, i need to chill very much.

in all coincidence.

2010-09-01T00:35:00.001+08:00

还是原来那个我不过撂掉几公升泪所以变瘦
对着镜子我承诺迟早我会换这张脸应对笑容
不算什么爱错就爱错
早点认错早一点解脱

我寂寞寂寞就好这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了伤到快疯掉
死不了就还好
我寂寞寂寞就好你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的借来的都该还掉
我总会把你戒掉

还是原来那个你是我自己做梦你又改变什么
再多的爱也没用每个人有每个人的业障因果
会有什么什么都没有
早点看破才看的见以后

it was not the case back then;

2010-08-29T01:14:00.002+08:00

i used to think that the word "insubordination", or rather even "subordination", is a word only used in dramas.

later somehow when the word appeared in my life, and for a moment im baffled in the circumstances.

its a term which meaning i have yet to grasp, hence much confusion.

so cold and unfamiliar, the word seem to bug me quite a bit,

and i may take a lifetime to figure out where is the fine line -

between compliance and defiance.

likesardinespackedinacan

2010-08-25T00:23:00.003+08:00

shall write a little about work.

generally everything's quite fine. really. and to some extent i am finding it fun (MINUS away all the technical hiccups and system cockups - yuhui, i think i beginning to get a little of ur techy badluck). maybe the bad parts will all kick in later, since its only like the 2nd day of work.

just alot of briefing and learning about functioning now. much like on course like that. just that my buddies have to do a lot of guiding and thus eat alot into their time for their own work. everyday is just a little more info and learning the ropes. havent really got down to work proper, which i believe is why the pressure is not kicking in yet.

but to take part in meeting and all, makes me see things on a new level. for a moment i really surprised at the difference between work and school life. my sup asked me.."got culture shock not?", and i replied no. in actual fact i quite enjoy this change. to sit in for meetings and to hear the ongoings activities and to see the projects pending, approved and rejected together with new cases. and to bring your laptop everywhere for meeting and finally like what we always see on teevee how those people would go in and out of discussion rooms for meetings. but im a little afraid of presentation in days to come, but im glad that the div is kinda informal, such that people can talk on like less official terms.

the part where i gained access to more private stuff gives me a feeling that im gaining control of my situation as well. but at the same time, i know im facing increasing workload and challenge, which im prepping myself for. its a half happy half grim situation that im getting myself into.

but i would like to declare - i hate the morning eastbound train, lunch crowd and the evening westbound train. other than that, its a new start that im embracing.

and a piece of good news - CONGRATULATIONS MISS NG R2~! :) :) :) happyforyou~! finally!

thank you girls for the random night. imisseddpnsalot. although alot of ramblings from work, hope it didnt bore tuan or the other two. chocolate was awesome. the company is even better :)

the clock strikes 1. and im off to bed. goodnight world.

and you never for once asked, not that i am waiting, but i was thinking at least you can.

babyistillbelieve

2010-08-22T15:39:00.002+08:00

"cause its seems like you'll be always there
but you never are.."

i never got the words out.

"hmm okk" was all i could muster.

when the theatre darkens.

2010-08-22T03:18:00.002+08:00

such a huge contrast.

An empty cinema theatre vs a fullhouse cinema theatre.
at the same time slot.

but thank you,

for you made me reignite my love for movies again.

albeit at $10 per tix.

albeit knowing things might be unpleasant between us.

its show time~!

everyone has a story

2010-08-21T02:02:00.002+08:00

a full empty movie theatre.

only us.

first time ever.

everyone has heard the same story,

just told in different perspective.

痛不痛快有所谓

2010-08-20T00:59:00.003+08:00

有沒有愛沒所謂

快不快樂有所謂

i close my eyes and pray.

2010-08-18T01:52:00.003+08:00

im so scared that i cannot sleep. if i can scold alot of things i would have done it, so that every word can bring out my fear. im sorry but i cant help it.

i need somebody by me at this moment so much, in order for me to stay sane and to tell me nothing's gonna happen. i dont dare to sleep and wake up to bad news. i dont dare to sleep. i dont dare to wake up. i dont dare to face her. i dont dare to face them.

i hate that setting. i hate that setting. i hate that setting. when i say it 3 times i mean it. cant you just freaking give me a break from that place?! EVERY YEAR I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER. FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?! dammit.

thank you girl for being with me whole day, for i badly needed somebody even though i may not say, that i dont want to be alone any minute and that work took my mind off some stuff. and that i dont want to see anybody whom may start to ask or remind. thank you very much. for you are the only one who knows. thank you.

either way, i dont want to know.

you would be fine. you would be alright. dont let my tears fall.

if you would allow

2010-08-17T02:40:00.003+08:00

what im afraid of is that you wont even give me a chance

or wont even give yourself a chance.

themasquerade

2010-08-16T00:29:00.002+08:00

not the easiest way

neither the hardest.

just have to take it in whichever it be.

strut in your heels

smile in your make up

be the girl whom you arent exactly

as long as you set yourself free.

fire on target.

2010-08-14T02:47:00.003+08:00

dammit. dont do this to me.

and i always have to be the one who hears it first hand,

and then delivers the message to the others.

it doesnt get better upon repetition.

it doesnt get easier to narrate

its only gets worse as you lock in the information.

on the loop

2010-08-13T04:14:00.002+08:00

你总爱编织谎言

我负责配合表演

所有改变

只为了进入你的世界

这情节重复了一百遍

才发现是你的心太远

你划定楚河汉界

我不敢轻易犯规

所有时间

都是先给了你优先权

不自觉爱到不敢冒险

成了你的傀儡一年两年

才看见我有多狼狈

爱到妥协到头来还是无解

绑着你不让你飞

历史不断重演我好累

爱到妥协也无法将故事再重写

你已下最后通牒

我躲在我的世界

你只是害怕一个人睡

我不想在为你掉泪

我了解不会再仍在徘徊

开始自己的明天

where did the patien(ce) go?

2010-08-13T03:24:00.003+08:00

there was so much uncertainty that i chose to leave, thats how i am.

when i dont like the situation, i pull myself out of it to the best of my ability without having to feel that im not involved at all.

there was no room for me to prove to myself that i can actually do it, for i have no confidence in handling the situation at all.

so i took the easy way out.

i didnt choose to fight, i flight it out.

i didnt give up our friendship, i just need to breathe.

and you dont know how much i hate being part of a triangle,

i really rather be in a circle or a rectangle.

and the reason is

2010-08-13T02:41:00.005+08:00

seriously, i should thank my lucky stars to have a friend like you, who really think i am not the worst on earth. knowing how irritating i can be, you insist that i hang an out with you when im down. thank you for putting me in place behind you as someone who wants iphone alot, and since you already have it and if you really do get it then, you gonna give it to me (unconditionally) - that doesnt mean i would accept. thanks for your (re)assurance that i am attractive in my own way and on the other hand if i go in and if i ever fail the relationship i would die horribly. thank you for all your acknowledgements that tanhuiqi has her "huiqireasons" which she would insist on having and abiding. thank you for bringing me to that place which i yearn to visit since eons ago, but couldnt step in cos of much inconvenience. thank you for being you. anytime for coffee, tea, lunch, dinner or supper as long as im willing to, thats how far you are willing to go for a friend. thank you for your non judgemental state whenever you're with me, for i do not appreciate that. to retreat is your way of caring and concerning as you said, fearing that undue pressure will backfire. you never fail to make me feel how inadequate i am next to you for i lose out so much - sincerity, the heart, the concern and the depth of giving.

"she should never reflect on her own" - you.

i officially declare i hate outram park area. for i always have trouble finding my bearings when im in that area. but i saw the nicest sunset today. like i said "at this time of the day, the sky is at its prettiest" and you agreed.

and today i finally told you the reason - that you already have a girlfriend.

wedidntcareformuch

2010-08-12T01:35:00.005+08:00

had to write this day for i am amazed at my ability to sit and wait for somebody to do her hair for HOURS. haha. ~4.5hours.

haha and i was blessed to have an ipodtouch to play with for erm, that 4.5hours - sushichopping and angrybirding and doodlejumping! and she was blessed to have a somebody sit there and accompany her for that long wait too right? right! haha.

and we talked non stop the whole day. i mean more of like SHE talking most of the time, and i listened (cos sometimes i was on the ipodtouch playing her game). but still, we're amazing to be able to carry on talking for hours. haha.

and plans to meet at 10am FAILED tremendously. and im sorry that we only met at 1230pm! haha.

but all was worth it for a good day out, and a good dinner, and random spurts of conversation and alot of talks on relationships and people.

the shuuemura guy is nice and chirpy and nice. and i didnt know 'satchets' is pronounced the way it was supposed to be pronounced. all 22 years till now, and im sure im not the only one!

thank you for the dinner treat! and for the company!

tempted for a good haircut. but not now. a nice colour and nice cut will do me wonder.

anyway girl, i love your hair. in case i didnt emphasize enough. the straight part and the colour. woots (:

imsupposedtobeoveryou by now.

2010-08-10T01:26:00.003+08:00

not quite the case.

you do a better job than i do.

when the stars are shining bright from the sky,

is it meant to because i realised

that you never even try.

hear the pitter patter loves

2010-08-08T23:05:00.002+08:00

i love how the rain drops down from the sky,

while it takes away all the unhappiness,

it brings many loves :)

cooped up in a chinese room.

2010-08-08T02:12:00.001+08:00

an empty street an empty house a hole inside my heart.

unriddle.

2010-08-07T03:27:00.001+08:00

you know where to find me.

没了，才知道什么叫没了。

2010-08-07T03:22:00.002+08:00

"The shock of this movie lies not in the buildings but rather in each person’s heart."

Aftershock -- An aftershock is a smaller earthquake that occurs after a previous large earthquake in the same area (the main shock). If an aftershock is larger than the main shock, the aftershock is redesignated as the main shock and the original main shock is redesignated as a foreshock. - source: wikipedia

This time, the aftershock occurred in my heart. Much tearing through the show but in the end, I was more disturbed after I left the theatres than looking at those scenes of pain. The buildings gave way, folded into half just like how it happened in the dreams in Inception, but of a different nature. The bodies left hanging on poles and by the edges of buildings. Under the debris, we are faced with a tough decision. Decided to amputate because she cant afford to put other's life at risk but in the end, she was so heartbroken that her daughter lost her leg. She witnessed all that, only to find forgiveness at that moment in time.

1976. 240,000. 23 seconds, 32 years. the numbers aren't enough.

How can we ever set ourselves in one location when everyone else moved on? In hoping that somebody might come back just looking for you in the old place. sounds very much like "the man who cant be moved" song. but its different. pining for a return, is a hell lot of pain. But the waiting continues.

I kept asking myself, what would my decision be? (and i wanted to ask her) "两个都得救!" but what if really have to choose 1? dammit. i really dont know. the heart ached when she kneeled down and apologised. the heart ached when she cried. the heart ached when he scolded her. the heart ached when she apologised profusely. the heart ached throughout.

The tears flowed freely and the heart is ruptured.

claiming to be a scorpion girl.

2010-08-06T02:27:00.007+08:00

i hope we all don't fall prey to the "oh i wish weekend will come faster AND sunday wont end!" mode. but somehow i think we will. start complaining about MONDAY blues. entering dog eat dog world is our next step.

im not sure about it at all. seriously.

but as much as we are uncertain about set sailing, we know we cant stay put in the harbour for long. too much too much stuff at stake. even before we set sail, there are too many components to consider before we navigate? why so troublesome. then how how can we ever move away when the waves dont carry us?

we talked about hiding emotions today. the difference in suppressing them and slowing them down. i know which i belong to. but its not enough just knowing. and i learnt not only to hide emotions, i learnt i can do the same about presence as well.

"whats your game plan?" this question got stucked in my head since morning. the slogan we see on MRT train banners recently. and how i got reminded of one movie that i watched. so inevitably, i had a substantial amount of thoughts about it. but what was your game plan? why did you do what you did? and what was my game plan? why did i do what i did? if we werent in the plan, then how did the game start? but you declared game over.

first time i rewatched a movie, though its a worth it watch. and i realised only on a second time are you able to see things on a clearer note, things you didnt see previously and of course, things you wish you didnt see this time round. applies for all cases. magnification of an issue doesnt help at times. only serves to complicate. but when things are clearer, you eliminate alot of doubts, they are the things that cloud judgments.

ps: i love the wasabi prawn crackers today :)

in small denominations

2010-08-05T01:11:00.003+08:00

one step at a time,

its not too hard.

its just a little tiring,

but you do fine.

it doesnt take much to realise

that you're losing your smile

and that

you dont hang your heart on your sleeves anymore.

if you start losing interest

in everything anything,

perhaps for your own sake,

dont lose yourself.

the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

2010-07-31T01:21:00.003+08:00

i dont like this morning's dream. it feels weird waking up from it. it's not something scary or what. on the contrary, i dreamt that one of us got attached. and i saw who is the guy. but it's just a weird feeling that stays within me since this morning. i saw the big green field and a whole string of us wanting to fly (paying to fly), the kind that we have to form a chain if we want to. and in the end, they both got together. and the setting was in a big and expensive hotel (cos its all golden), and there were lifts that goes up and down. and because i woke up with a quesy feeling, i dont like the dream (not that i have many good ones for me to like anyway).

as the rain poured relentlessly throughout the day, excerpts of the dream kept coming to invade. but that apart, i adore the rain (minus all the wetness & the possible accounts of floods it can bring).

im not a person who likes to do countdown. dont really fancy that feeling of available days decreasing as time goes by. but this time, i feel like in my subconscious mind, im doing subtle deduction of weeks or days that i have on hands, half for myself and half not.

it feels weird. it's been a week. and i have a burning question within, dying to ask. yet i cant bring myself to question.

想你就写信

2010-07-25T17:17:00.002+08:00

so much for being alive.

simplycauseyou'retoonice.

2010-07-20T03:17:00.005+08:00

i thank you, for you put me in the best spot whenever you can.

travel half the island just for me, and one full span back.

i know i can never be half as nice as you are to me,

but i sincerely do appreciate whatever that was done.

thanks for putting half your body out for me every time,

but what matters to me most is you believing in my potential,

and in your words, is the potential to excel.

i wish i can rise up to expectation,

not his, not mine, but in particular - yours.

for i don't wish to fail that bit of confidence you have in me,

which i cant even find a trace within myself.

a big part of me wish this can proceed smoothly,

but another big part of me is a little stifled by the pressure.

even though after telling you the truth,

you said that they are separate issues,

but the contrast sometimes works too huge for me to bear,

so much so that i choose to avoid sometimes.

forgive me if i can't meet your expectations,

though you would not tell me if i don't.

but many times i wish i could give a little more than i did.

distance is what i'm keeping.

but appreciation is what i'm holding too.

"the least i can do for a friend" - i think its the most that a friend can do already.

if we were to look back;

2010-07-18T19:59:00.001+08:00

love this picture (:

dreamwithinadream

2010-07-16T23:31:00.002+08:00

halfway through the show, i felt weird. really weird. simply cause i can relate to it very much. the fact that it goes round having talk about dreams and subconscious. and the thing myself having dreams daily for the past few years - nightmares to be exact. its a dream cause there's no beginning.

i woke up this morning from a dream, a dream that is very broken, and throughout the whole day i was trying very hard to piece the dream together. following the plot, i was trying my very best not to lose myself, nor the plot. many times it was quite tough as the words hit me quite hard. though some parts seemed matrixy - due to the lack of gravity (literally and figuratively), the rest was real (or was it not?). that is the beauty of it. what is real and what is not?

totem to fix that? a little incredible. talking about it having to inject the balance which we (solely our own selves) can do to find the reality in life. if we gonna extrapolate that into our off screen lives, we'd be able to draw parallel with that.

you need a great amount of stability to not dash your dreams, collapse or even to destablize it. you need architects, chemists to construct the best reality but most important of all, i would think you need best deceivers.

at one point in time, i had a crazy idea that we are all roped into the world of Chris Nolan.

splendid show. though it reminds me of "shutter island" very much.

"The mind is like an iceberg, it floats with one-seventh of its bulk above water."
- Sigman Freud

;for i cant gauge my speed.

2010-07-15T02:22:00.002+08:00

I either scared the worst out of my instructor or pissed the most out of him during driving lessons.

I'm sure.

"车要慢慢手要快快! 大小姐转快一点!"

just a mediocre student.

2010-07-14T01:49:00.007+08:00

12th july 2010. the day that we all donned the super heavy academic dress and put on the super heavy academic dress, bearing the memories of past 4 years. the day i can finally mark out declaring i end my academic life.

---

4 years ago, she was choosing between NUS FASS and NTU NBS. it was a tough choice at that point in time, cos it was a dilemma between practicality and interest. then she finally decide that numbers are out of her league. hence she started this journey with all the psych modules and LTs and tutorials and most importantly psych friends.

all along a mediocre student, her grades fell as she grew older. since primary school, she has got a downward gradient for her grades, and ultimately 16 years later, she graduated with a 3rdclasshonors. not the most ideal definitely, but that's what she earned myself after 4 years of studying/slacking.

she has many to thank along this long long journey. people who helped in many many different ways, most importantly she think is to listen to her whine about how stressed she was here and there, and seeing her break down a few times cause of her inability to take the load / pressure. others encouraged her greatly along the way so much so that she finds it easier to continue to finish up what she was supposed to do. so many times she thought she couldn't move on, but they were there to root her on, helping her revise what seem to be alien topics to her, especially those science mods (aka breadths mods). the teachers helped her a great deal too. even though she has her 'list' of favourite lecturers/tutors, everyone sort of helped her achieved her current results. with a bad habit of favouritism, she tend not to work as hard for mods with lecturers that she doesn't fancy. knowing that that is detrimental to her grades, she can't help but function this way, as they are unable to hold her interest in that mod. however, on the brighter side, there are some who are splendid in terms of their teaching method as well as how they made her felt her merit at some point in time. NUS a place that she called school for 4 years, and today, she declare herself no longer part of it, but one small piece in history.

---

on the occupation column, what should i fill in now? - student/unemployed?

i thank you. really. so much so much for helping me reached the end.

for now, im exhausted from studying.

whilst some chooses to continue their schooling prospects, i decide i have enough for now.

tanhuiqi 毕业了! (:

"NothingIWillBeAfraid"

2010-07-11T01:10:00.008+08:00

when i hear them croon, or rather - her,

i felt at peace.

even though the music was blasting through the night,

even the whole hall was bubbling with people jumping around,

i was at peace - with myself at least.

maybe i wouldnt have done it anytime,

but that night, i sang my heartiest and loudest

regardless of the guy sitting right in front of me, or

the group sitting right behind,

i was singing out loud,

as though i was hoping she can hear me,

and hoping that i can hear myself too.

even though im alone,

i enjoyed myself.

im alone, but im not alone.

if you get what i mean.

so for that,

i enjoyed myself

and i thank them.

and her for her guest appearance,

which made me felt super gandong.

他走了带不走你的天堂

风干后会留下彩虹泪光

他走了你可以把梦留下

总会有个地方等待爱飞翔

Fairyland In Reality ~ 090710

sorrythatyou'vetobeinbetween.

2010-07-09T01:57:00.003+08:00

its getting harder and harder over the days.

and i dread it more and more as it intensify.

it always have to reach to this stage,

where i would then rahh out to some body who happens to be at the end of the speech bubble.

i never learn, do i?

i tried, know?

like i told her,

people come and go.

then let them come and go.

you hold for what?

come one la. leave it la.

you can do better than this.

but what happens when its someone you wish that will stay,

and on the other hand,

also start wishing that you'll get out of the stupid situation?

"fiery" is not the word,

"impatience" "intolerance" is what perpetuates.

on a second thought,

2010-07-02T01:02:00.000+08:00

maybe not.
we'll just see what happens.
BLEAH.

crosses finger and toes.

2010-07-01T23:22:00.001+08:00

i hope it will work.

for some reason,
i wish to get it this time.
but for now,
let's hope they dont think im playing hard to get.

byeyou.

2010-07-01T00:59:00.000+08:00

thank you you.

for i found myself while i lost you.

so hey there me! :)

不会假装不在乎

2010-06-27T03:46:00.002+08:00

决定了。

不求你。

因为没有必要。

不懂你好在哪里。

再见。

。

有没有发现句点其实是绕了一圈？

thoughitrytoresistbeingtheLASTonyourlist.

2010-06-27T03:26:00.003+08:00

i know every "last" that i said is not the last.

but please believe me when i say i try to make it the last.

just that every "last" works as a building stone for me to reach the ultimate end.

nevermindthebrokenwings.

2010-06-27T03:18:00.003+08:00

can you feel both good and bad about your actions at one point in time?

i took everything and crushed them.

for i begin to feel tired.

so i refuse to compromise.

pushing for an answer,

explaining along the way.

and at the end of the day,

i get slapped in the face, for

you do not understand a bit at all.

but im feeling good about it cause i dont have to hinge decisions on you anymore.

but im feeling bad about it cause i dont like to end things sore.

i want to say goodbye.

but you dont give me a chance to,

you turned to fly.

im sure one day, just one day, you wont be able to find me.

and you wouldnt even realise so,

so that i can be free.

dont. done.

2010-06-27T03:08:00.004+08:00

i thought i was wrong.

BUT.

I'm wrong about thinking i was wrong.

its the kind of instance,

that you set a bomb ticking,

and simply just wait for it to explode.

and when it does finally explode,

you cant even find your parts.

when i set them both side by side,

watching one follow by the other,

choosing to insist how much wrong i had in my previous choice to believe in you.

tanhuiqi, love yourself more, will you.

you really dont have to apologize if you dont think you are in the wrong, although its a different matter altogether.

self destruction - thats about what you are doing now.

and then, no amount of beers and soccer games will save you.

以前说的不是这种以后, 因为以前根本没说过以后。

in moderation or in vain?

2010-06-26T00:24:00.009+08:00

you -

fail.

like seriously,

intentionally or unintentionally.

you put out all the evidences for people to see,

and try to act innocent as though you don't really care.

who are you vying for?

who are you vying against?

i still hope you lose,

whichever the answer is.

then you make me don't know whether to hate you, or to hate myself.

accumulation of my "repellence" towards you, whether or not you there is such a word.

you lied thoroughly.

cui-ed every bit of trust i had in you, thinking you were all innocent.

if you dont want others to know, then dont act as though you're out of the picture, when essentially you are half foot in (or maybe full body).

presence. is important. so both your absence and presence makes you a liability, at least to me. and i hate it like mad. like mad. im sorry, that i cant help it. when your presence is hinged upon something else, dependent on another factor, then its not as innocent as you claimed it to be. blame upon me that i am lousy as well. for i cannot understand your lies.

-in a bitchy mood tonight.

tanliting&tanhongyu: really feel like scolding bad word, but don't know what to scold. SHIT.

这次，你又想不见多久？

2010-06-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

这次我走开, 再没有话要说出来, 就再也不会回来。

10年的友情 :)

2010-06-19T00:17:00.001+08:00

tanhongyu :)

happy birthday! :)

happy 23 :)

happy happy :)

关上了手机舒服窝在沙发里

2010-06-18T23:33:00.003+08:00

i off-ed my phone for one half of the day.

and i didn't bring back my phone for the 2nd half of the day.

but its okay.

it wouldnt matter a bit.

learnt to wrap dumplings today.

悸动。

my only emotion of the day.

to not care is my best concern.

2010-06-17T22:35:00.002+08:00

a 12 year old talk to me about love and jealousy.

a 22 year old cant answer a question a question about love.

---

i reject ur kindness,

'cause it reminds me how bad another someone can be.

因为你 - 我拼命地逃

逃, 从天涯到海角。

dont force me to a corner.

阿蠢

2010-06-13T02:27:00.002+08:00

人最大的蠢事是疑神疑鬼

但是对象是人不是鬼

害怕别人发现他的蠢

所以疑神疑鬼

给己: 你的想象力未免也太丰富了吧

给他: 请你别胡思乱想

感動幸福之七

2010-06-12T21:31:00.007+08:00

day 7: 160510

2nd day at 浪淘沙. the day that we are supposed to go up up up! succumbed to Mr Looi's persuasion, we took his ride again. but he was very nice to push away his original client to bring us up on this trip! (he left his original clients with his disciple!) haha.
had a nice breakfast of 稀飯(porridge)! 土司(toast)! 豆漿(soybean milk)! wahh. it was nice. homely and good.
so off in the early morning we embarked on our journey to 合歡山!
along the way stopped by the roadside to buy 烤番薯! haha. those kind which are piping hot, purple meat!
stopped by 新白楊 where it was a natural stopovers for people going up. the weather was good, really good. Mr Looi kept commenting that we were very lucky. visibility was good. weather was a little chilly as we are some distance high up. so here and there he would stopover and open the bonnet to cool the engine (which are working hard to bring us up the mountain roads). so we warmed ourselves in front of the car haha.
then suddenly he exclaimed and pulled over just because he saw 櫻花! - sakura! he was saying that its already past the season for sakura flowers, and that we were actually very lucky that there was one tree left, flowers half bloom though.
had lunch at midhill. it was a good and simple lunch. the 山豬肉 is strongly recommended. the best part of it, we saw a pig! haha a mini pig, named - NANA. haha. so cute and fat. cheryl fell in love with it. haha.
continue on our way up 石門山, the view was breathtaking. but it was COLD. COLD. COLD.
so we went up 石門山 and did many typical jumpshots. haha it was there that we met a nice couple who volunteered to take a photo for us. he went away and came back, as he was saying that he can use his DSLR and take a nice shot for us and he will send the picture to us. his girlfriend did the jumps with us too. haha. an experienced climber, he is only in berms, tshirt and sneakers, while we were kind of freezing.
winding roads but we went into the clouds as the car climbed stealthily up. we saw cyclists along the way - a pack of them to be precise. looks like those training for cross country kind. what made us very amazed was that they are not young teenagers. haha. COOL. so we kind of went mad, and because our windows were actually down (For us to enjoy the cool fresh mountain air), we screamed "加油!" "JIAYOU!" "GAMBATTE!" to every passing cyclist. some acknowledged, whilst others thought we were mad. i kind of think we were mad.
one particular stopover at 合歡山莊, we saw that the freaking temperature was 10.7 deg celsius. and we were really not fully equipped with the right clothing. we saw many in those kind of thick winter wear, and we - were just in layers (as many as we can pull on ourselves) of tops.
FINALLY, we reached 武陵 3275km. we met another family there. because we asked them to take a photo for us, and in the end we took a photo for them, so we began interacting. they had 2 kids - a boy and a girl. we tried to psycho the kids to do jump shots. shy as they were in the beginning, we all did a perfect shot! :) NICE.
because we wanted to go 清靜農場 to see sheep, but when we were having our lunch along the way, Mr Looi told us that the sheep were having some kind of POX (similar to our chicken pox) and so, all the sheep were kept away. but still he drove us there to take a look, to see if we have a tiny bit chance to catch any sheep. didnt go into 青青草原 afterall since there was nothing to see or touch.
so we turned back to 合歡山 to start scaling the 北峰(NORTH PEAK). the 主峰 (MAIN PEAK) was supposed to be easier but less satisfying. when we were going up, many were coming down. it was quite late already and sky is darkening fast. the sun sets at about 5plus 6. so we only went up to 0.3km. the whole journey up to the peak as told is about 3 hours up. we went mad looking at the clouds. although we left cheryl and mingsi at one of the lower parts, and we went bersek screaming our lungs out to hear our echoes ring through the mountains, it was ... SHIOK! we didnt have any other word to describe the experience except 爽! Mr Looi kept telling us to be careful, cos if any of us suffered anyyyyyyyy injuries, that's it. really that's it.
caught the last peep of the sunset before we reluctantly said our goodbyes to the beautiful mountains.
soon, we made our way down. cause it was dark already. so we had to rush downhill. he picked up speed as we made our way down. (usually he would drive slower around the bends, because of our tendencies to 暈車).
we tried our best to entertain him & ourselves by singing. we sang the whole way down. until we all got tired, and silence resumed. and we all fell asleep. and my head was throbbing and killing me. cant eat panadol cause was on empty stomach.
by the time we reached 花蓮市 again, it was 9pm. cause the descend took a full 2 hours.
had 鵝肉 (Goose meat) for dinner! wah it was good! no wonder it was famous. and too not forgetting our 炸彈蔥油餅 again! got Mr Looi to order for us. this time, we had 1 each. the night before we had only 3 to share among 6 of us. but because it was damn good (and relatively quite cheap) we had 1 each tonight! :)
and more fruit juices for the night.
this was the night that we had a good heart to heart talk. everyone took turns to say stories and we all listened kaypohly. mingsi had a bad nose and fell asleep after her medicine. then we all squeezed into one bed to listen to fang's story. hahaha.
and tomorrow, we're gonna move off to another part of 花蓮! where we are going nearer to sea! for our activities! :) and of course the very 民宿 that we are all excited about -藍色珊湖礁 (which our dear Mr Looi called it the 藍色黑胡椒 :)

- this is definitely THE day. of the trip. i dont know for others, but for me, this is THE DAY :) if i had to choose one day to remember, it would be this day. pictures dont do the place justice, the view and the feel - have to see and feel it for yourself cause thats when 所有遺憾統統化為烏有。

:: 就這樣被你征服剪斷了所有退路我的愛恨已入土

what is at the two ends of the balance

2010-06-12T20:27:00.000+08:00

话说到嘴边，

lingering words

又吞了回去。

couldnt find a way out

因为没有办法坦白，

the truth couldnt find the exit

所以我沉默。

with the lips shut tight

因为没有办法诚实，

without the heart

所以我隐瞒。

we're left with the corpse

很感谢。

truth unturned.

“只要自己平衡那就够了，对吗？”

那么我到底在平衡的是什么？

自己和自己吗？

感動幸福之六

2010-06-10T22:59:00.007+08:00

day 6: 150510

Finally we left 台北 after 5 days for 花蓮! the place that we really cant wait to set foot on.
after the 2 hours 7:05 train ride!, we reached 花蓮火車站! and we met up with 呂先生 our cabbie driver! he's like how famous la! cannot book him for our intended date, so have to settle with having him on the 15th. he brought us to deposit our luggages and off we go to 太魯閣!
enroute we stopped to get our 便當 for lunch. it was cheap and good! with soup and drinks included!
proceeded to 斷水清涯 where we first saw 小清水 and followed by 大清水. the ocean is nice. the blue is nice. everything about it is breathtaking.
went into taroko finally. and stopped by various places to go explore. many natural rocks and rivers, rock formations and cliffs. 沙卡噹步道 - 長春橋長春寺 - 燕子口. the walk every where is tiring. but the sights are really pretty. magnificent beyond description.
then it was the much awaited for fireworks. cos we were a little behind time, ending taroko area at about 5pm, so the latter part was a little rush. he had to rush down back to 花蓮市 where we bought our fireworks stuff and WE HAD OUR FIREWORKS SESSION!
before that, he nicely helped us handle our traintickets problem.
it was really really very nice of him. cos we werent able to get our tix to the next destination for 4 days later. but he went all around helping us see whether we can squeeze out at least 1 or 2 for the 6 of us! in the end, we managed to get tix for all 6 of us. thanks to him as he went to plea with the station master! sigh. feel very bad but very touched.
fireworks were simple and nice! :) first time. enough to wow.
he told us to try 炸彈蔥油餅! he got the person to deliver it to his place, and his wife heat it up for us and we dropped by his place to pick it up! 感動! :) plus it was really very good. the thing is the egg inside is half cook! so when you bite into it.. its like WOOTS :)
dinner was at 9pm. 排骨麵 - 珍珠奶茶 - 小龍包!
back to our hostel - 浪淘沙! and began to unpack and pack for the next day!
(WE DECIDE TO RE-ENGAGE HIM FOR THE NEXT DAY TO GO UP UP UP HIGH!)

:: 站在一望無祭的海邊我發現自己的渺小

欠了你的十分鐘

2010-06-10T02:50:00.006+08:00

“爱一个人又害怕表白，这是另一种失语，换了爱情失语症的人，其实是因为他们知道，爱和幸福，是两码子事。”

对的时候没有做，往后就更没有可能了。

《爱情欠了我们一分钟》

---

我终于明白了- 那遗失的一分钟。
这也是为何当初决定买下这本书的原因。

只为了明白到底一分钟能改变什么。

而如果能够重新再来，给了你一分钟，你最想做的是什么。

他的答案五个字 - “我叫赖俊彦”。

在这短短的六十秒，是个转捩点。

可以是生命中很重要的转捩点。

我欠了你十分钟，很久以前跟你借了的十分钟，一直都很想还给你。

但是，没有机会，也没有勇气。

没有机会 - 因为现在的你连与我多相处十分钟都觉得浪费。

没有勇气 - 因为那十分钟的我处于在最脆弱的时候。

爱情欠了我们一分钟

2010-06-10T00:54:00.008+08:00

曾经在幽幽暗暗反反覆覆中追问

才知道平平淡淡从从容容才是真

再回首恍然如梦

再回首我心依旧

只有那无尽的长夜陪伴我

《再回首》- 姜育恒

----

故事里写着两男一女

同一个故事，

不同的是我们的故事相反

同样的，他们相爱但因不敢爱而错过

一旦错过就没法再爱了。

虽然表现得不在乎，

依然是对方惦记这的那个。

同样的，他们彼此陪伴了好久

虽然在一次的不是他们。

他依然守着她，只要她回头，他一定在。

同样的故事，

不同的是，故事的“他”和“她”相反了。

-----

我也很想他我们都一样

在他的身上曾找到翅膀

只是那时的他是因为你而开始飞翔

我也很想他在某个地方

我少了尴尬你少了肩膀

而夏天还是那么短思念却很长

《我也很想他》- 孙燕姿

以前要的不是这个以后

2010-06-10T00:06:00.001+08:00

其实我没说的是

"梦里的你已离去, 很努力地想要你回来"

虽然对你来说那梦很美但对我来说

就算在梦里, 我也没有勇气拥抱你.

感動幸福之五

2010-06-09T03:05:00.008+08:00

day 5: 140510

early in the morning it started drizzling.
met Mr Huang at 830 and went to try the 貓空纜車 which brings us all the way to 貓空. my idea of it is at night, so its a new experience to see it in the early morning. it was very misty. and it was drizzling.
plans to snorkel that day has to be shelved because of the drizzle.
lunch was at 深坑 where we were told to try their 臭豆腐 which is very different from the others.
after lunch, we went on to 十分 to 放天燈! Mr Huang checked with the place and they said it was suitable to do that despite the rain.
we had 6 天燈, after 5 flown nicely, the last one fell. so we got a replacement and managed to send it into the sky successfully :)
Most residents (10 out of 9) in the place has the surname "胡". and due to the accent that the Taiwanese have, while trying to pronounce "十分幸福" they would end up saying "十分姓胡" and so, somehow that place has a very nice and cosy feel.
after spending a long time writing wishes and letting the huge paper lantern fly, we moved off to TAIPEI 101 and then to 誠品書店 to look at some books.
he finally dropped us at 士林夜市 for dinner! famished by then.
attacked the 豪大雞排, 苦瓜汁, 蚵煎, 排骨, 愛玉冰 etc.
played at their makeshift game stalls. and our spot the difference machine. till it was time to head back for sleep. and the next morning early travel to hualien - 7:05am train!

:: 感動是很幸福的一刻

不由自主

2010-06-09T01:27:00.002+08:00

碎了.

今天的心碎了..

很久沒有哭到这样...

拼命的擦掉但紧紧又跟随....

heart vs mind.

2010-06-07T22:09:00.003+08:00

should i or should i not?

i really don't know.

half of me want very much to.

cause i know i wont have the chance to in the near future

but on the other hand, i have a lot of worries weighing me down.

things at home, money, and just being away.

i feel like fighting for it.

but there's some things i cannot be stubborn about.

i want doesnt mean i should or i can.

so am i supposed to know you?

2010-06-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

why, did you have to cross my path twice.
you used to make him sway,
and know random news put you together with another him which i know.
you're the one he loved,
and you're the one he loves.
i really dont know you,
but why is it that you had to cross my path twice.

感動幸福之四

2010-06-04T20:51:00.009+08:00

day 4: 130510

breakfast at the breakfast place
went over to 新北投 to 溫泉
super long walk to find the place. the hot and cold (VERY HOT AND VERY COLD) waters make us buay tahan.
proceeded to 淡水 to get some nice sunsets.
walked along 淡水老街 for some food before going over to 漁人碼頭 for alot alot alot of phototaking.
the place was nice. really. i wanted very much to catch the sunset, so much so that i kept rushing them to go take the boat first, cos i really wanted to see 人人口中的漁人碼頭夕陽是怎樣.but in the end, we didnt manage to catch it, cos it was too cloudy. but we had much fun just taking random shots, sitting on the wooden walkway, taking shots of specks of people.. yuhui's specky people/couple. watching the bridge light up, staying there from day to night. till it got dark, till cheryl ask if we wanted to go back. i could stay there for a while more, if not for fearing of missing the boat back to 淡水. how here and there chinese songs would play, and we have nothing to worry about.. just standing there by the waters. i was telling yuhui, this reminds me of kallang bridge, except that its much nicer, and its much bigger. we didnt walk the whole bridge. someone says if a couple walks over the bridge together they would break, and a private joke would always remind us to stand on the other side of the bridge.
just merely nua-ed there the whole night, came back over to 淡水老街 for more shopping and cancelled the original plan of going to shihlin.
so back to our hostel to eat some 便當 that we bought from the FAMILY MART right under our hostel. we practically swept clean their stock. haha :)

:: 幸福我要的幸福在不遠處

感動幸福之三

2010-06-02T22:09:00.004+08:00

day 3: 120510

the day that we didnt have anything on, so woke up late and took our own sweet time.
breakfast was at this mini corner, which we went to for the next few days.
found this quaint little place stuffed at one corner at this street near our hostel.
decide to settle in there for some toasts.
turned out the 老闆娘 and 老闆 were very very nice. the toasts were nice too! (At least I liked it alot!)
then we went ahead to ximending for some random shopping.
cheryl was tempted to cut hair. so after much contemplation, we shoved her to this mega salon (which have many branches in the same area) call 亂剪, and while she cut her hair, the few of us just fooled around in the salon. it was nice just slacking there, camwhoring while trying to disturb cheryl here and there.
lunch was at the famous 阿宗麵線 where there were lots of people - dining in and standing by the side devouring the meesua. the meesua was indeed nice. i like. cant rmb was there oysters not :P
it seemingly became a shoe-search day as the girls went into almost all the shoe shops around. so we loitered along the streets of ximending for the next few hours, before we decide to move on to our next destination - 五分舖 (wufenpu distributor/supplier district).
it was about 6plus that we felt hungry as we spotted 鬍鬚張魯肉飯 flashing in a distance. what was amazing was that the 魯肉飯 (rice with pork and gravy on it) were going at NTD$10 per bowl! (note: < SGD$0.50). Im sure we were hungry, as we devoured the dinner as fast as it came. ordered a few more extra bowls too! haha. it was the first time we had a filling dinner! most important thing was that, it was a cheap(er) dinner and we wiped the dishes clean!
then we proceeded to 五分舖 for more shopping, but after 2 hours we were all deadbeat and then we left to return to taiwanmex.
It was the night that xuefang was scheduled to come join us. at about 12 plus we tried to call her to see if we can contact her, and we would go out to taipei main station to meet her.
and so, at about 1am, peiwen, yuhui and i went out to fetch her back to our hostel. leaving cheryl and mingsi in the room.
it was a funny episode cos we were kind of scared as it was quite late already. peiwen commented as though we were going out on a secret mission. haha. unanimously, we walked uber fast. and when i accidentally kicked yuhui i said sorry, and peiwen commented "应该讲不好意思！" which is true as that is how the taiwanese speak. then suddenly while we walked on uber fast, it started drizzling. and thus, it was tiring and cold and wet. haha. we joked that why nobody remembered to bring along umbrella. there was a man who was following behind us, and that kept us paranoid a little as we quickened our pace. haha. getting lost around the place, climbing that darn bridge 4 times, we were all quite tired. haha. finally as we get to xuefang, all of us were relieved. haha. watching out for each other, pulling on to peiwen/yuhui cause my slippers have got no friction when it rains.. that's nice (and tiring) way to end the night.

:: 習慣有你很好卻忘了我們曾擁抱的那個街角